


Mom Friend

by Well_Then_Extract



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: All of them are, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Existential Crisis, F/F, Gay, I'm Sorry, Lesbian, M/M, Sexuality Crisis, Teen Angst, Trans Male Character, no i'm not, poor girl is going to go through a lot, why am I so mean to Christine?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 09:16:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11552163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Well_Then_Extract/pseuds/Well_Then_Extract
Summary: (I haven’t seen a Christine-centric fanfic so here you go)“Go out and find all the distractions you want. Solve all the world’s problems, drown yourself in distractions, but you know what? You’ll still be miserable and confused until you face your own issues. You can’t hide from your problems forever. You’ll feel better after you do. You just gotta face those monsters under your bed”There was only one person Christine couldn’t help.And that person was herself.





	1. Christine Takes Center Stage!

**Author's Note:**

> LOOK WHO’S BACK!!!  
> (Guys the AO3 editing was off and wouldn't load, and my computer was throwing a fit, and grammarly was slowing my computer down, so this work got erased and the summaries and notes 4+ times before I decided to do it on a separate document. I had this done a week ago but it took me a week to get my computer's shit together. Help)  
> So As said in the summary, I haven’t seen a Christine-centric fanfic before, which sucks because she deserves her own fic. The main focus in this fanfic is Christine and her emotions and development, just btw.  
> The chapter title is based on the style of the episode names of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, a netflix original show that all of you guys should watch. The one thing you need to know about them is that they are misleading.  
> Alright, I’ll let you guys go read now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOOK WHO’S BACK!!!  
> (Guys the AO3 editing was off and wouldn’t load and it erased this work and the summaries and notes 4+ times before I decided to do it on a separate document, help)  
> So As said in the summary, I haven’t seen a Christine-centric fanfic before, which sucks because she deserves her own fic. The main focus in this fanfic is Christine and her emotions and development, just btw.  
> The chapter title is based on the style of the episode names of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, a netflix original show that all of you guys should watch. The one thing you need to know about them is that they are misleading.  
> Alright, I’ll let you guys go read now.

Christine Canigula is not a normal girl.

That much was obvious. It wasn’t anything weird or crazy, she just wasn’t normal. She didn’t want to go to parties or go shopping or do anything normal kids do, she’d rather sit inside watching Disney movies and listening to plays and musicals. It didn’t really bother her though. Christine was just different. She talked more than everyone else, she got lost in her thoughts, and she couldn’t understand why people were so interested in kickball and playing house when there were songs to listen to and animals to pet. When her classmates asked her to play, Christine said she’d rather watch birds fly or draw or sing. Christine was definitely different. That’s not a bad thing.

It did get lonely though. Days when she’d watch the other kids run off with their groups of friends and did things normal children do. Christine only had one or two close friends, and even they had other friends themselves. The other kids just didn’t know what to do with her. She was so different, so unlike them, they just couldn’t figure out how to include her. She was always nice to them and all, but still. She was weird. Another problem is they didn’t have much in common most of the time. Because Christine was so different, the other kids quickly ran out of topics to talk about, and things got awkward fast.

But at least she Had Jessica and Abby. Christine met Jessica fighting over the last red crayon, and after discussing their need for the crayon they became friends. Abby and Christine got paired together for a reading activity once, and that was that. Christine never really did well with other kids, she felt different because she _was_ different. But she had Jessica and Abby at least. She had sleepovers with them, but it always ended in Christine being mad over something irrational or forgetting her sentence or just not listening to her friends. Abby and Jessica didn’t mind, but Christine felt like she was somehow letting them down. But she appreciated their company, even if they had little in common. Christine was interested in musicals and plays, Abby liked books, and Jessica cared more about horses and dogs. But they got along fine, and that was what mattered. They were all strange in some way, all a little bit different, so at least they had that in common.

Christine somewhat hoped she could find someone (or some people) who she could relate to better. But there was a good chance those people didn’t exist, so Christine settled with Jessica and Abby.

Then in sixth grade, Christine moved.

She left Jessica and Abby, promising she’d call and tell them all about living in New Jersey. They all cried when Christine announced she was moving, and on Christine’s last day of school with them. Christine was never sure if she was crying because she was sad, or because she felt like she had to cry.

Christine’s parents had told her and Beth in March of 2011 (they left early May), and Beth had flipped over their small coffee table. She had deeper roots in Connecticut than Christine, and they both had trouble making friends. Beth stomped up to her room and slammed the door. She was a temperamental and bitter nine-year-old, a stark contrast to Christine. But no amount of anger or begging could change the fact that they were moving. Job transfers don’t care about your feelings.

So they packed up their things and cleared out their house. Little by little, any evidence of their family or their existence was wiped away. It was a scary thought for Christine, how easy it was to leave and erase all traces of you ever being there.

Christine and Beth both cried, standing, hugging each other in the doorway, tears pouring from their eyes as they stared at the house they had lived in all their lives. Christine and Beth were always close, maybe it was because they both had trouble with kids their age and making friends, and they were both pretty weird. Besides, you’re forced to spend the rest of your life with a sibling anyway so might as well make it enjoyable. Beth was much harsher than Christine and less trusting. But Beth liked musicals too (the ones she had heard anyway), and they helped each other and joked around. They got along well, despite their polar opposite personalities. Their mother always joked that Christine was sweetened tea and Beth was unsweetened. But they balanced each other out, bitter and sweet. Christine and Beth had to stick together, two crazy girls in a world too big for them to go into alone. When they drove away, Christine and Beth pressed their faces and hands against their windows, drinking up every last glance of their home that they could.

“We may be moving to a new house, but it’ll never be our home” Beth declared, a deep and pessimistic notion for a nine-year-old. Beth didn’t stop crying through the nearly four-hour drive to their house in New Jersey.

“You can always go visit Sophie,” Christine said, trying to lighten the mood. Beth just shook her head.

Sophie was Beth’s best friend, and she was at Christine’s house almost as much as Beth was. They were insanely close. Christine never had that. Sure she was pretty good friends with Jessica and Abby, but it wasn’t the same. They didn’t have a judgment free relationship, and they didn’t know her very well. But they were all Christine had. Christine had promised to visit them, but she already knew that would never happen. Maybe this move was a good thing, and it’ll push Christine into making actual friends.

They stopped at a gas station somewhere at the edge of New York, went to the bathroom, got a snack and a drink and went back to the car. Beth was still crying. Christine’s attempts to cheer her up were futile, but that didn’t stop her from trying.

Finally, they arrived at their new house. The kitchen light was broken, the wooden floors creaked when any weight was applied to them, the stairs were steep, and everything was coated in dust, but it was a pretty okay house. There was a deck outside that looked over a big yard, half rocks and half grass with a patio under the deck. There was a busted and old hot tub on the patio. Their neighbors had a deck too, and the trees were cut so you could see whoever was on the deck from Christine’s deck. Her neighbors had a pool and two loud dogs. There was a loft that overlooked the majority of the house and broke off into the hallways for bedrooms.

“Great, thirty seconds in this house and something’s broken” Beth commented while she and Christine were exploring the house and they had tried to turn on the kitchen light. “That’s a record I think” Christine chuckled, and they continued exploring.

That night, Christine slept on an air mattress on the loft while Beth was asleep on the couch next to her. Something creaked downstairs, and panic shot through Christine. An owl hooted somewhere outside, and a motorcycle roared by on the busy street near their house. Christine rolled over on her air mattress and frowned at the empty wall. She missed her old house.

* * *

 

The next week Christine was registered for Bay Vista Middle School, her things were unpacked, and she was ready for life.

Kinda.

She was still worried about meeting hundreds of new kids and having to socialize and being the new kid, but she’d figure it out.

Probably.

Christine had found out that they had a drama class (which she signed up for) and they put on plays and musicals, and both of those things greatly helped her mood and opinion of the school. Beth had been registered for the elementary school nearby, but she wasn’t scared or excited about it. She didn’t care, no matter how many times Christine tried to get her to form some kind of feeling about the subject.

The sisters mainly stayed inside, unpacking and listening to musicals and watching Bambi on repeat (the only movie that wasn’t packed with the others, which were on a Uhaul in the middle of New York). Eventually, their mother shooed them out of the house, so Christine and Beth planned to walk to the nearby park and swing.

Christine got as far as the porch when she noticed a dog run by.

A girl who looked about Christine’s age followed it, calling what Christine assumed was its name (but she couldn’t tell what she was saying). An older man and woman ran after the dog too, clapping their hands and whistling and calling it.

“What’s going on?” Beth asked, watching the scene unfold.

“The neighbor’s dog up there got out” the man explained, pointing to the house at the end of the curb.

“Oh no, how?” Christine asked, jumping off the porch step and walking towards the man.

“He got the gate open somehow, and his owners aren’t home”

The dog was a jumpy boxer with a bright orange collar, he leaped away from anyone when they got close, and he kept running into the road; he was going to be hit by a car. The girl ran in front of every car that drove by, and they stopped just in time. She was wearing blue shorts and a red shirt that had flowers printed on it, and some scruffy gray flip-flops.

She had long dark hair and was taller than Christine, but not by much. She was bigger than Christine, just in general.

Christine was pretty small, though.

The girl had bright maroon painted nails and several friendship bracelets on her right wrist.

She was really pretty.

Not that Christine was gay (lesbian?) or anything. It was just obvious.

“Do you need help?” Beth asked the man, snapping Christine back to the present.

“Could sure use some”

A silent agreement was passed between the sisters that they’d help the dog. After all, a dog is a dog.

By the time Christine was having second thoughts about talking to the girl, she was already chasing the boxer with her. It always took a second for Christine to actually think things through, which often landed her in trouble.

Christine, the girl, the man, and the woman ran back and forth, chasing and grabbing at the loose dog. It felt like they had been running after the boxer for a while, but it couldn’t have been long given that the sun was still on the brink of setting.

(Beth had disappeared, but Christine didn’t allow herself to worry about it, she was probably inside.)

Few words had been exchanged between the neighbors, they all seemed to have a mutual agreement of what to do. Eventually, Christine realized she had to talk to this girl, and it was better to do it now than later.

“What’s his name?” Christine shouted across the street to the girl when she realized she had just been calling the dog “boy”.

“His name is Willy” The girl yelled back, the dog pausing briefly and glancing up when he heard his name.

The girl crossed the street and walked over to Christine, stopping about a foot away from her.

“I’m Christine by the way”

Willy had stopped to pee on a bush, then proceeded to sniff it.

“Jenna,” the girl said and stuck her hand out for Christine to shake.

Christine took the invitation and shook Jenna’s hand. It was soft, really soft. Christine didn’t want to let go.

Then Willy barked at another dog in a yard and unleashed a riot of barking and howling, and in the middle of it, Jenna dropped Christine’s hand. Jenna seized this opportunity to lunge at Willy, trying to grab his collar. Willy dodged and ran across the road, scampering onto someone’s porch and sniffing at a potted plant.

“Man, he’s not a huge fan of people, huh?” Christine noted, walking over to where Willy was.

“No, he’s terrified of people. It makes me a little worried, like, is he being abused, was he abused, are things at his house okay?” Jenna had stopped walking and was frowning at Willy.

“Yeah, maybe we should talk to the owners once they come back” Christine agreed.

She turned to glance back to her house, just in time to see Beth emerge carrying something hot on a paper plate with a paper towel over it. She walked up to Christine and Jenna and held out the plate to Christine. It was full of bacon.

“Here, it’s bacon, take it. I’m going to go talk to that guy over there. I think his name is Bob or something. Anyway, I’m going to ask about the dog” Beth explained, the walked away.

“Is that your sister?” Jenna asked, looking at the bacon on the plate.

“Yeah, her name is Beth. She’s nine”

“I figured, you guys look a lot alike.”

Christine shrugged.

Beth had curlier hair (and she cut it shorter than Christine) and it was a shade lighter. But they had the same eyes and nearly the same facial structure. Beth had bigger eyes and shorter eyelashes and a bigger nose. But they looked pretty similar. Christine had braces, but Beth needed them and was planned to get some soon.

“She seems pretty smart, making bacon for the dog and all” Jenna added, pulling Christine back into the present.

Christine did that a lot. Just floated away off into her thoughts, leaving the ground and anything she might have been doing. She needs to stop, but sometimes there was just so much to think about that it was easy to wrap yourself up in thoughts like a blanket.

“She really is, smartest nine-year-old I know” Christine nodded.

“So how old are you?” Jenna asked.

“Eleven”

“Me too! Are you going to Bay Vista Middle?”

Willy had inched closer, smelling the bacon. He was a few feet away from Christine now.

“Yup! I assume you’re going there?”

“Indeed I am, I hope we get some classes together!” Jenna grinned at Christine, and Christine’s heart leaped into her throat and her face got hot.

Christine coughed to try to offset the awkward feeling and nodded. “Yeah, I hope so too. Is the school nice? Are the teachers okay?”

“The teachers are great, the school is alright, and the kids are as okay as pre-teens can be” Jenna laughed, and shook her head. “You shouldn’t worry about it, they’re not terrible. You’ll do fine”

“Thanks.” Christine smiled back, once again losing track of her surroundings.

“Hey, what did you pick as your electives?” And yet again Jenna had to drag Christine back down to earth.

Willy was closer now, less than a foot away, but the girls were too distracted to notice. He was crouched into what looked like a pouncing position.

“Um, drama, Spanish, and-” Christine was cut off as the dog jumped up and crashed into her, failing his attempt to grab the bacon and run.

In a blur, Jenna had grabbed Willy by the collar and Christine was sat on the sidewalk, looking lost and dazed. The bacon was scattered around on the sidewalk, Willy reaching for the pieces he could grab. Beth was whooping.

“I got him!” Jenna called over her shoulder.

She looked down at Christine who still looked shocked.

“Christine, are you okay?”

“I’m good” Christine’s answer came out squeaky and high pitched.

Jenna chuckled, and Willy was passed to the man who was helping them catch the dog. Once her hand was free she held it out to Christine and helped her up.

“So do you live around here?” Jenna asked, not letting go of Christine’s hand.

“Yeah, actually that house” Christine pointed to her house, a big yellow house with french doors.

“You’re kidding, I live right next to you!” Jenna was grinning again, and standing on her toes (which made her even taller than Christine).

“No way!” Christine jumped onto her toes too, her grin matching Jenna’s, but less sparkly.

Someone shouted Jenna’s name, and Christine realized it was a woman who looked a lot like Jenna out on the front porch of Jenna’s house.

"That’s my mom, I gotta go. We have to hang out sometime! Or just go out on your deck, I’d probably be able to see you!” Jenna let go of Christine’s hand and ran towards her house, shouting a final goodbye over her shoulder.

Christine stood on the sidewalk, staring long after Jenna had left, bacon, a paper towel, and a paper plate surrounding her. She stood there, the sun setting behind her, casting a pink glow.

“Would you look at that, the sky’s blushing and so are you” Beth commented, whistling and looking around at the sky before turning back and poking Christine’s face.

“You watch too much Disney Channel” Christine muttered, still not looking away from the white house with a blue door and a wide window that held her attention.

“Maybe. I guess we never got to go to the park, and that’s a lot of bacon wasted, but we helped that dog, so I guess it’s okay. I wonder if Jenna has a sister” Beth glanced at Jenna’s house, then bent over to start picking up the bacon.

Christine didn’t say anything, she just stood there, smiling.

It took thirty seconds to break the kitchen light in their new house, two hours for Christine to listen to The Little Mermaid soundtrack again, two days for Beth to finish a Babysitter’s Club book, and a week for Christine to meet a girl she liked (in what way she couldn’t decide yet, but that was a problem for another day). The back of Christine’s legs was scraped, her back hurt, her knees were weak, and her head was fuzzy, but she was still grinning like an idiot. Maybe moving to New Jersey wasn’t such a bad idea.

* * *

 

It’s embarrassing. That’s the biggest thing.

Jeremy was in shreds, Michael was practically on another planet, Chloe was crazy overprotective of Brooke, who always looked terrified, Jake talked too much and had raccoon bags under his eyes, and Rich just wasn’t there.

And Christine was just embarrassed.

Sure that made her a little tight lipped on the whole situation, and maybe she was a little more fidgety but she was the same Christine as before. But now she had to face the things she didn’t want to. The truth was right there, staring her in the face now, and Christine couldn’t avoid it anymore. She had spent years putting off facing the truth, but now she had nowhere else to turn. It sat itself down in front of her and refused to move until Christine confronted it.

She was just embarrassed.

That was all.

The truth doesn’t hurt, it just makes you ashamed. What can she say? Life is better when it’s easy. When Christine doesn’t have to worry about herself, it’s always better. So she fills her days with play rehearsal and taking care of Beth and taking care of her mom and everyone else she could. Christine went out of her way to do favors and help people just so then she wouldn’t have time to sit around and think about herself and her problems. Then the squip dragged the cold harsh truth into the spotlight.

And it all happened so suddenly too.

All Christine knew was it was a normal night. Her mother and Beth were backstage wishing her luck on her performance. Christine was pumped and was so focused on the play and everything that came with it to notice the little signs.

Everyone was acting a little weird, but Christine assumed it was just nerves. Jenna was backstage, which Christine thought was strange because she wasn’t in the production. They had a quick conversation, and Jenna was a little jittery and seemed nervous. But when Christine asked, she assured she was fine. Jenna wished Christine luck and assured her she’d do great, then left.

The performance was going pretty great until scene two. Everyone was doing amazing. It was kind of shocking. They must have been practicing without her, that was what Christine had thought at the time.

_How responsible of them all._

Christine wasn’t feeling great though. When she drank the weird potion crap Mr. Reyes had made, it really screwed with her. She wondered what was in there. She was told it was just green Mountain Dew and wintergreen Tic Tacs, but she wasn’t so sure. She had a terrible headache (it was getting better) and she swore she heard someone talking.

But she didn’t _really_ hear them. It was crazy.

At some point when she was backstage during scene one, her headache worsened and then all of the sudden Hillary Clinton was yelling at her. The faux Hillary announced that she was Christine’s squip, whatever that was, and that she was going to help Christine. Hillary was shouting, then when Christine looked terrified, she calmed down and gently gave Christine instructions when she returned to the stage (not that Christine needed them). She recited Christine’s lines and gave her tips, which was really helpful and actually made Christine do better. Christine was acting and going through scene two when Hillary suddenly twitched like she had been given instructions from somewhere else. Hillary said “I’ll take care of it from here” then Christine was asleep.

She was actually thankful to be asleep, her head was killing her and she was feeling pretty woozy. The weird thing was, for Christine, she didn’t even have time to think about going to sleep or the pros and cons of doing so. She just fell asleep. Not even fell, she just suddenly was unconscious. Christine thought about sleeping and why she should and shouldn’t be asleep right now after she was already out. The weirdest thing was Christine still felt herself walking and talking, even though she was out cold. It was confusing. She wondered if this was what being uber drunk was like. Being vaguely aware of movement and speech, but feeling like you’re dreaming and not knowing what you’re doing or saying. Then Christine’s headache got one-hundred and fifty percent worse and she passed out for real (assuming that before she wasn’t really asleep).

Christine fell into a deep dreamless sleep, the kind where everything is still and nothing happens.

Then Christine woke up in the hospital.

Someone was complaining behind the curtain next to Christine, and her sister was sitting in a chair, reading Carrie. Christine sat up and winced, pain ringing around her skull. She murmured a small “Ow, fudge” and rubbed her forehead.

Beth leaped up from her seat and grinned at Christine.

“Christine you’re awake! It’s been weeks!”

“Really?” Christine asked, mouth agape.

“No, it’s been roughly fourteen hours.”

Christine nodded, her head still ringing. Suddenly she noticed the lack of a person in the room.

“Where’s mom?”

“Work, she was here for a few hours, but you know, marketing calls”

“Right”

“When you were asleep, it sure felt like weeks…”

Christine knew her sister, and that was Beth’s way of admitting she was really worried about her.

“Especially since your roommate woke up two hours ago and hasn’t stopped complaining since” Beth chuckled, and timidly walked over to Christine’s bed. They shared a quick and delicate hug, given Christine’s fragile state. Beth’s shirt was wet, so were her cheeks, but Christine didn’t comment on it. Beth didn’t like talking about her feelings. They pulled away, and Christine changed the subject to the person sharing the hospital room with her.

“Who?” Christine looked over to the curtain that separated her from whoever was sharing her hospital room.

“Chloe Valen-something”

“ _Valentine_ ” A voice from behind the curtain answered.

Christine recognized her. “Chloe from play rehearsal!?”

“Sure, from play rehearsal. Not ‘the most popular girl in school’ but from play rehearsal” Christine couldn’t see Chloe, but she could tell the girl’s arms were folded.

Beth rolled her eyes. “See what I mean? I’m going to grab some candy from the vending machine, be right back, peace.” Beth held up two fingers then left the room, her Carrie book set on the chair.

“‘Kay” Christine murmured after she had already left.

She tilted and wriggled around to try to see Chloe through the curtain (even though she knew she couldn’t).

“How’s it going?” Christine asked, just because Chloe sounded stressed and upset.

“I’m in a hospital because I was drugged with some weird robot shit that controlled my mind. I’m doing just swell” Chloe grumbled from behind the curtain.

Underneath the bitterness and sarcasm of the reply, there was a layer of worry and fear that Christine picked up on.

“You’re worried. Why?” Christine stated it as a fact, not giving Chloe any room to deny it.

Chloe didn’t even try to reject the fact that she was worried, and sighed. “Brooke, I’m worried about her. I wanted to get a room with her, or at least be able to see her, but I’ve been pinned to this bed since we got squipped or whatever. I hope she’s okay. She’s not the most stable person, and after this whole thing, she probably could use some support”

Christine nodded, even though Chloe couldn’t see her. “I understand” then she paused, realizing she didn’t know what happened last night. “What was going on? During the play?”

Chloe sighed again. “Somehow all of us got squipped, which is a shady pill with a supercomputer in it that yells and insults you into shape. That’s what… what’s his name? Michael? Yeah, Michael. That’s what Michael said anyway. It controlled our actions, then you drank mountain dew red and it shut off all of our squips. Weird shit”

Christine didn’t understand half of that, but if Michael knew, she could ask him and get a better explanation. “Alright, did you uh, pass out at all?”

“Hm, after you drank the mountain dew red. Oh, and you also said you loved Jeremy. But I’m guessing it was the Squip controlling your actions, right?”

Christine’s heart sank.

“ _What_?”

Jeremy had liked her for forever, and it was obvious. Christine didn’t like him back, he seemed fun and she’d like to be friends with him, but she didn’t have romantic feelings for him. The poor boy was going to be crushed.

“Oh, you didn’t know? I guess it was just the Squip then. Anyway, Jake walked on both of his broken legs, and I was in sync with Brooke, which was creepy. Y’know the dinosaurs from Jurassic Park? The small ones? Raptors, that’s what they’re called. It was like we were those. Spooky. Michael saved our asses though, which I’ll never understand…” Chloe paused for an awkwardly long amount of time, then spoke again, softly this time. “I’m going to need more morphine”

Christine took that as the end of the conversation and stayed silent.

She pulled her knees underneath her chin and stared at the muted TV. Friends was on. Her mind drifted back to the incident, what she had said, what she had done, how she couldn't remember any of it.

And then came the overwhelming wave of shame and embarrassment.

Christine wasn’t really one to cry or be sad, but sometimes she just had to. Christine was a generally positive person, but occasionally feelings just washed over her, drowning her in them. And once she started thinking about something, it opened the floodgates and suddenly she couldn’t stop thinking and crying and thinking some more. All of her problems suddenly came out from under the bed and swarmed around her. Now it wasn’t even just about how she was going to tell Jeremy she didn’t really like him, it became about why she didn’t like him, why she didn’t want to have sex with anyone, why the very idea of it made her want to gag, why she didn’t want to date boys, why she thought she wanted to go out with Jake. It became about why she couldn’t focus on one thing, why she couldn’t just be normal, and what was wrong with her. One small question set off a hurricane of confusion.

This is why she shouldn’t have time to think to herself.

She missed play rehearsal.

In a hospital room in New Jersey, there was a small girl who was crying into her sheets, the world and its darkness swallowing her up whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy, how was it?  
> Hopefully not too bad.  
> So I gave Christine a sister because I feel like we often act like the members of the Squip Squad are only children, when really that is super unlikely. Jeremy is an only child, but it’s likely that everyone else (excluding Rich and maybe Michael who have older brothers) has a sibling. I made her sister really pessimistic and sarcastic just generally a lil shit is because it further emphasizes how different Christine is for being positive and happy and just who she is.  
> I made her neighbors with Jenna because I feel like we often pair Christine with her for no rhyme or reason, so I tried to add a little depth and reasoning to their relationship.  
> I think that Christine moved in sixth grade because she says she's known Jake and Jeremy since seventh grade (we know she's known Jeremy since seventh grade because he thinks Christine is talking about him at first) and why would she know both of them since seventh grade and not sixth? If she was going to the same school as them in sixth grade she'd already know them. Idk that's just what I think.  
> (Also I head cannon as asexual, not aromantic, and she likes girls. Because reasons)  
> My tumblr is burgundy-burgers, feel free to message me! Tell me if I did anything wrong or inaccurate, or if there’s anything I should improve or change. Or hey just hit me up if you want to talk!  
> Bonus: Send me your head cannons for Christine (if you want), I’d like to read them! And who knows maybe I’ll include them in this story  
> (Also, sorry for any formatting issues, AO3 is still being weird so some things might look a little funky)


	2. Christine Breaks a Vase!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christine's perspective on Jake, and what happened at the Halloween party.  
> She still feels bad about that vase...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoooo!  
> Sorry this took forever to write, as you know I have no confidence in myself or my writing, and I fell into a pit of self loathing and didn't want to do much of anything, much less write fanfiction, so I'm still kind of recovering from that. This is shorter than I'd like it to be, but it covers everything I wanted to include, so that's that.  
> Anywayyy, I recommend listening to Halloween before or during this chapter, just because it includes those events.  
> Okay, go read now!

Christine met Jake initially in seventh grade; they were science partners.

They got along just fine and were often paired together that year in that class, but it never grew to be anything more than that. Christine thought he was pretty great, and she loved being friends with him for the short period she considered Jake her friend. When eighth grade rolled around and they stopped talking, Christine didn’t feel mad about it. She understood Jake was a naturally popular kid, and Christine was… Well. She definitely wasn’t. Christine really did enjoy his company though and wished they could have been friends longer. High school came and Jake stayed in the popular group, and Christine stayed out of it. The years came and went and they never spoke to each other.

Until Junior year.

When Jake waltzed into the auditorium for play rehearsal Christine swore she was hallucinating. There was no way Jake Dillinger of all people would be in play practice. From what Christine knew, he had no interest in drama whatsoever. Then again… She didn’t know him very well. But there he was, and he seemed to have forgotten he ever knew Christine outside of playing Juliet one time. A performance he apparently loved. Christine was flattered, to say the least. It was Jake Dillinger, who wouldn’t be blown away by a sorta-compliment from him?

Christine was distracted the rest of rehearsal, which was a disaster of catastrophic levels. Play practice was her sweet escape, her happy place. But here Jake was, screwing it all up. Not that she was mad at him for that. But Jake also dragged a handful of other popular kids with him, and that caused even more issues.

They weren’t that _bad_ , but they weren’t very good either. They just didn’t apply themselves and need to put more effort into acting. And Mr. Reyes, as always, was iffy and unreliable for the majority of practice.

So play rehearsal was stressful, to say the least.

Then Jake started becoming more and more present and friendly in her life until it reached the peak of full on flirting.

They went to the mall together once, but that was an accident. Christine had been told the rest of the cast was going to be there, and she only saw Jeremy and Jake. Jake had insisted he was going to take Christine somewhere special, to his favorite place even. All the while he was flirting and stating he wanted to get to know her better. Christine felt something she swore was a crush (not that she would know what one felt like, she never had one).

They were interrupted by Jeremy, who happened to be wandering around the mall. Christine was glad to see him, he seemed pretty great. But something happened (he randomly started screaming in agony and ran away, head in his hands) and left Christine and Jake alone again. They talked and walked around, and while they didn’t have too much in common, Christine really enjoys his company. He was a bit of a jerk sometimes, but Christine knew everyone has a good side to them and was willing to overlook that.

Christine wasn’t sure, but she genuinely thought she liked this boy. As in, _like_ like. But she didn’t really feel like kissing him, not really. Jake was obviously pretty, and athletic, and hilarious, and actually sorta nice. But Christine still wasn’t sure about her feelings for him.

Eventually Jake had asked Christine out, and that was that. Christine went to his house a few times, and Jake had told her about his parents, but every time she came over she was shocked at the state the house was in. This didn’t seem like the house of criminals who abandon their child, it seemed like the house of a nice family. Things were clean and the house smelled of fresh linen. That meant that Jake was likely taking care of the house himself. The thought made Christine’s heart break a little.

Then, of course, there was the Halloween party.

Jake asked her to come to the party roughly a week in advance, so she had six days to worry about it. Jake said they’d have matching costumes, a prince, and princess. Which sounded really fun, and Christine already was getting tons of ideas for her costume. Christine wanted to go, but she wasn’t sure. She really didn’t know anyone who was going (besides Jake, Jenna, and Jeremy… All J names, that’s funny), almost everyone was a stranger to her. Also, she wasn’t really a huge fan of giant crowds in small spaces. But then again, it would be her first high school party, and she needed to go to at least one before she graduated. In the end, Christine went to the party.

Which was her first mistake.

She found a costume and put it on, then said goodbye to Beth and told her not to wait up. Then she pranced out the door, certain this night would end well.

When Christine got to the house, it was the polar opposite of what she had seen when she was alone with Jake. Kids were everywhere, even passed out on the lawn, the house was glimmering with light and shuddering with every pound of bass. There was yelling and laughing easily hearable even in the yard, and there were tons of cars (which worried Christine, because drunk kids would probably end up driving those cars home).

Christine cautiously stepped over a few wasted students and opened the door. Sound and smell and daggers of light all hit Christine at once, and she found herself closing her eyes and wincing. Her eyes eventually got used to the bright lights, but the sound still roared painfully loud in her ears. It smelled of sweat and beer and weed, all swirled together in one scent that screamed teenage rebellion. Christine took a deep breath and walked into the danger zone of the house. It took her a little while to find Jake, and on her journey, she found Jenna, who was mostly sober and was dressed like a clown.

“Hey!” Jenna had screamed over the music, grabbing Christine’s arms. 

“Hi!” Christine shouted back.

“I didn’t think you’d show up, but I’m glad you did” Jenna was grinning at Christine.

“Thanks, I’m glad you’re here too! It seems we’re the only sober ones here”

“Yeah, I would be drinking but I want to remember everything everyone did when they were drunk and stupid, and if I were drinking I’d be doing the stupid stuff with them.” Jenna nodded over towards Rich, who was standing on a table screaming something.

“Ah, good idea. Well, I’m going to find Jake, but I’ll talk to you later” In truth, Christine didn’t want to leave Jenna. Not only did she like hanging out with Jenna, but she was also one of the few sober people in this party, and Christine felt like she was her anchor in this crazy place.

“Alright, just talk to me again before you leave, okay?”

Christine nodded and walked away. She turned around to comment on how great Jenna's costume turned out, and to make a probably stupid comment about how Christine wasn't as afraid of clowns now, but Jenna had already disappeared. Christine was more upset over that than she should have been, but she shook it off and went to find Jake.

Christine forced her way through the crowd, leaving little apologies that went unheard. She saw Brooke and Chloe, separately, both looking upset. Christine swore she saw Michael, but when she looked again, it was a kid in a weird costume and nothing more. She shrugged and kept moving. The search felt like hours, but in truth, it was only minutes before she found Jake. He was already pretty tipsy, but he seemed happy to see her.

“Sorry I’m late” Christine apologized, nervously twisting the hem of her dress.

“I didn’t even realize” Jake replied, sounding bored.

Christine was more than a little shocked by that reply and felt a lump forming in her throat.

“Oh. Okay…” Christine frowned at her shoes, then realized what Jake was wearing. “I thought we were going as prince and princess” the hurt she felt wove itself into her voice, and she hated how desperate it made her sound.

“Right. I’m a prince! What are you supposed to be?” Jake’s drink was sloshing around in his cup while he talked.

“It’s an authentic Renaissance…Never mind”

“Ohhh”

An awkward gap formed in the conversation, filled in with loud music and laughter and other voices.

“You want a drink?”

“Sure-”

“They’re over there” Jake pointed his solo cup towards a table surrounded by coolers and dove into the mass of teenagers again.

Christine floated around the house, trying not to cry and not to trip. She attempted to go to the bathroom (and maybe hide in there) but someone was in there and refused to unlock the door. It sounded like the boy in there was upset (it sounded like a boy, anyway) so Christine didn’t push and went to find another spot to sit. On the way, she got even more and more upset.

Jake just leaves her and has sex with his ex-girlfriend? Seriously?

Christine got more and more frustrated the more she thought about it, and it all came to a peak when she saw a vase sitting on a table. Jake’s family had more vases than seemed sane, and everyone was encouraging breaking them, so that’s what she did. Christine raised her hand and smacked the vase off the table. It fell to the floor and shattered, with a noise that went almost unheard in the overall noise of the party. She immediately regretted it and felt guilt roll in like a tide, but it did help with the frustration. Christine wanted to clean it up, but decided it'd be too hard to find a broom much less make it back to where the mess was.

She began roaming the house again, and came across an empty couch lacking a crowd of people surrounding it, which seemed like heaven to Christine. She walked over there, and sat down, letting herself get swept away in her thoughts. After a few minutes, some drunk idiot joined her, passing out right next to her. A little bit later, someone else starts walking towards her, and Christine feels like throwing her drink at them (it seemed mean upon thinking about it further, but she couldn't take any more drunk idiocy) until she realizes it’s Jeremy.

“Hey” she greets.

“Yo. So where is your date?” Jeremy hovers near the couch, giving a glance over at Christine’s wasted couch-mate.

“He’s having make-up sex with Chloe. So, my night’s pretty awesome”

Jeremy frowns, and something that looks like pity flickers in his eyes. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be. I dumped him”

Well, kind of. She had sent him a text that said: “I’m breaking up with you” which at first seemed like a shitty thing to do, but having sex with someone else is more shitty.

Rich was bouncing nervously around the party, asking for Mountain Dew Red, which Christine had never heard of. He looked like a terrified, fidgety, pinball.

“You dumped Jake? Why? Sorry, you don’t have to…” Jeremy was messing with the sleeves of his costume and looked slightly uncomfortable.

If Christine were in a better mood, she’d ask him what was wrong.

“I’m not Juliet. And, he’s kind of a jerk so…” Christine shrugged, not really wanting to get into how she felt pressured to have sex with him and how she wasn’t even sure if she liked him in that way.

Rich suddenly yelled, “SERIOUSLY, _WHERE THE FUCK CAN I GET SOME MOUNTAIN DEW RED_??” which was hilarious.

(At the time it was funny, it was easy to laugh about how insane that sounded. Later it would bring back a sharp pain of guilt for brushing aside Rich’s suffering.)

Christine and Jeremy both started laughing, which felt nice. Christine needed that.

“Popular people are _messed up_ ” Christine noted.

“Word” Jeremy agreed.

Christine glanced at him. “I mean, you’re one of them”

Jeremy looked shocked when she said this like someone just smacked him.

“What? No, I’m not!” he denied it like she just accused him of being a satanist or something.

“Hello, guy who’s been pucking his way through the cast of Midsummer”

“I’m not- _Pucking_?”

Christine nodded.

“You like that? I just made it up. Boo-yeah”

Jeremy still looked stunned.

“What?” she asked.

“It’s just... I don’t know what I’m supposed to say right now”

“Say whatever’s on your mind”

Jeremy frowns at his shoes and looks deep in thought, then makes a weird noise. He winces like he was physically hurt by it. Christine made a strange noise back because she was feeling a lot of things right now and wanted nothing more than to let those feelings out. Jeremy makes a new noise, and Christine replies with one back.

They both jump when the wasted monster on Christine’s right groans his own noise, then they both laugh.

They were each sharing how much they loved talking to each other and just being friends, when out of the blue, Jeremy asked Christine out.

Putting aside the fact that she was just technically in a breakup, she didn’t like Jeremy in that way, she didn’t even know who she liked in general. There were so many questions and things to figure out, Christine couldn’t even think of dating anyone. If anything the whole interaction with Jake made her more confused.

Who did she like? Why did it matter? Why does any of this matter? Why didn’t she like boys? Why did the very idea of sex disgust her?

Yes, Christine had a long way to go. And she’d rather find the answers by herself, as awful as that sounded.

“Jeremy, I can’t”

“ I thought we were friends-”

(That’s something that confused and continues to confuse Christine. Just because they’re friends doesn’t mean they should go out. What kind of friends does he _have_?)

“We are, but… I don’t think I should go out with anyone until I know who _I_  am. I know that’s not what you wanted to…” Christine sighed “I’m sorry”

Guilt flooded through Christine, drowning all her previous thoughts. Tears bit at the back of her eyes, and a lump formed in her throat. She fled into the crowd, the steady thump of music making the floor vibrate.

Why was she crying? She just turned down a guy and dumped another. She had no right to cry. The thought made Christine cry harder.

Christine could finally make out the song lyrics, so she assumed she was floating closer to the source of the music. Christine mouthed the lyrics to the song playing, No One by Alicia Keys, trying frantically to let herself get distracted by the music. It normally worked. But the constant sway of bodies and the smell of sweat kept her chained to the present. While swirling through the bodies Christine found her way to the door, so she took that as a sign and left.

On the way to her car, Christine remembered she promised she’d say goodbye to Jenna. She gave a sad and tired glance to the house, sighed, and continued walking to her car.

Christine cried all the way home. She played sad music from musicals (aka the majority of Hamilton act two) and felt guilty about just about everything. Especially the vase she broke. When she got home she said a quick hello to Beth who was on the couch watching some Saw movie (Christine couldn't tell which, they all look the same from a distance). Christine walked up the stairs in a drowsy haze, then fell asleep in her costume. It was normally so hard to fall asleep for her, but it just swarmed around her that night. Even her thoughts were tired.

When Christine went back to school, everyone was buzzing over some new piece of gossip. No one told Christine what it was, so she went on with her day. She caught bits and pieces of it, something about a fire, a party, and Rich. Jake and Rich were both out of school for the day, but Christine didn’t bat an eye at that. It wasn’t unusual for them to skip.

After seventh period Jenna pulled Christine to the side, eyes a bittersweet mix of glee and remorse. She held her in the way that made Christine’s head spin, Jenna holding on tightly to her elbows.

“Christine!” She shouted.

“Jenna!” Christine shouted back.

“Did you hear?”

“Hear what?”

Jenna’s eyes widened like she couldn’t believe Christine was so out of the loop that she had missed this gossip.

It made a quick stab of sadness cut through Christine.

“Rich set a fire and burned down Jake’s house!!!”

Christine gaped. “No. Way.”

Jenna nodded. “Rich and Jake are both in the hospital, Jake broke his legs, and Rich is in a full body cast. I think… I’m not entirely sure yet so don’t quote me on that”

Christine took a step back. “Oh God” she whispered.

"Yeah” Jenna nodded.

Christine wasn’t exactly sure how to feel. Worry and sadness and confusion clouded her mind, and she wasn’t sure if she wanted to scream or laugh because it seemed so ridiculous.

“I uh, gotta get to class. Talk to you after school?” Christine started backing away, wanting nothing more than to process this on her own. (A small part of her wanted to talk to someone, but she mainly wanted to be alone. It was easier.)

“Alright, I’ll see you then.” Jenna started to walk away, then stopped and turned back around. “Christine?”

Christine had started heading in the other direction too, but she turned to face Jenna and tilted her head.

“I just wanted to say I’m really glad you left before all that shit went down” Jenna smiled, then looked at her shoes. “Okay, um, talk to you after school” Jenna walked away, not providing anymore information. 

Christine was even more confused.

Her confusion certainly didn’t end there.

* * *

 

The 'Squip Squad' didn’t get much more context on Rich and Jake becoming a couple than anyone else, everyone except Christine. She had a serious conversation with Jake about it, one she'll always remember.

She and Jake had made up, and he apologized multiple times for his behavior at the Halloween party.

It seemed like everyone was out of line that night.

Christine forgave him, obviously, and bought him a new vase to replace the one she had broke. They were great friends and often watched shows and movies together, and he already promised he'd be in the next musical the school put on. So needless to say, it wasn't abnormal that Jake went to Christine for advice.

It was the first Friday in December, and Christine was snuggled up in her blankets in her room, listening to Heathers on repeat. It was six thirty or so, and she had a plate of chicken nuggets sitting on her lap.

The perfect Saturday night.

Then her mom knocked on her door announcing joyfully that a boy was here to see Christine. Naturally, Christine first thought it was Jeremy, given that after they broke up they ironically hung out pretty often.

“Come in!” Christine called.

Much to her surprise, Jake walked in, looking uncomfortable.

“Heyyyy,” He said, giving a small wave.

“Jake?” Christine immediately felt self-conscious, given that her hair was a mess and she was in pajamas. “Uh, hi. What are you doing here? Not that I don’t love having you here and all but… It seems kinda short notice”

“I know and I’m sorry, I just really need advice and you seem like the person to go to”

Christine perked up at that. She liked being the wise one in the squad.

“Okay, so what do you need advice on?” Christine gestured over to the bright green bungee chair, silently inviting Jake to take a seat.

“Umm, feelings I guess?” Jake walked over to the chair while Christine paused Heathers, mid-Lifeboat.

“Oh okay, what kind of feelings?”

Jake took a deep breath and fiddled with a cord on the chair. “The gay kind”

Christine was more than a little shocked. She could have sworn he was straight. “Uh okay. You might need to be a little more specific.”

Jake sighed and looked up shyly to Christine.

Dear lord, was the world ending? Jake Dillinger, being _nervous_? What was happening?

“I may or may not, kind of, maybe like Rich”

Christine gasped and leaped out of bed, nearly knocking her chicken nugget plate on the floor. “JAKE!!! REALLY?”

Jake jumped and nodded fearfully.

Christine grabbed his hands and pulled him up out of the chair, then jumped up and down with him. “That’s so cute!” she squealed as they were jumping.

Jake let out a relieved laugh. “Good, I was afraid you’d think it was wrong or something”

Christine frowned, ceasing their jumping. “Jake, I could never think that. That’d just be stupid”

“Alright I know, I know it was dumb to worry-”

“That’s not what I meant”

“I know, sorry that was confusing. Um, I just, my parents weren’t the most accepting… Y’know?” Jake was scratching the back of his neck.

“Yeah, I get it. Mine aren't very supportive either. They think you can be ‘turned gay’ so I totally understand”

They smiled at each other, taking a break to appreciate the feeling of relating to someone.

“So when did you start liking Rich?” Christine asked, sitting back down on the edge of her bed.

“Um, I’m not sure, but one day I was like ‘hey, Rich’s lisp is the most adorable thing ever and oh shit he’s kind of hot what the fuck’”

“Awww Jake” Christine got up and hugged him again, she couldn’t help it.

She felt strangely proud of this boy like he was her son. She was proud of Jake for confronting his feelings and talking to someone about it, something that Christine didn’t have the courage to do.

Jake let Christine hug him, blushing and laughing.

“Okay but seriously how should I ask him out?”

Christine stopped hugging him and backed up over to her bed. “Umm, what does Rich like?”

“Cake Wars”

That was obvious, the boy couldn’t shut up about that show. He also never got around to watching anything else on TV. Christine grinned at Jake.

“Alright, so bake him a cake or something!”

Jake nodded, slowly then faster. “I could try! And if that doesn’t work I could just buy one”

“Yes! Yes, that’s great! You make or buy him a cake and tell him how you feel!” Christine encouraged, pumping her fists and standing up on her bed.

“Yeah, I’m going to do it!” Jake pumped his fists too and started jumping up and down. “Yes! You can do it!” Christine cheered, jumping in sync with Jake, only she was on her bed and he was on the floor. They jumped and laughed for a little while longer, both excited for the results. Finally, after they both got tired they stopped and sat down, still giggling. 

It hit Christine all in a rush how much she appreciated being friends with Jake, and how she never wanted this friendship to end. Apparently Jake was having the same train of thought because all of the sudden he got serious. 

"I just wanted to let you know, you've been more accepting and helpful and just a general better mom than my mom ever was and ever could be. You've been such a good friend to me, and I just wanted to thank you for that." Jake was smiling softly at her. 

That sentence both broke Christine's heart and melted it at the same time. 

"It's no problem Jake, that's what friends are for" then, after Christine thought about it, she added: "whenever you have a problem or need support, just call me. Your mom friend" 

A comfortable, silent moment of appreciation and love for friends passed by the two. 

"So, tell me more about this crush of yours" Christine leaned forward and rested her head in hands and her elbows on her knees. 

Jake sighed and slumped back in the chair. 

"Okay but you're going to be here for a while" 

Christine grinned. 

"I don't mind, now tell me everything!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ROLL CREDITS!  
> (Get it? I said the title somewhere near the end there, haha Cinemasins)  
> What'd you think?  
> Worth the wait? Probably not.  
> I included actual quotes from the script, so hopefully it was pretty accurate. But I'm not entirely sure.  
> The next chapter should be out in one week to three, but I start school again soon so I'm not 100% positive I'll stick to that.  
> Once again, my tumblr is burgundy-burgers, so feel free to look at my account, reblog things, message me, whatever you like!  
> And again, if you want, tell me your Christine headcanons (I've been spelling that wrong this whole time, whoops) in the comments or on tumblr.  
> Okay, thank you for reading!


	3. Christine Gets Frozen Yogurt!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chloe isn't as scary she seems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyy this chapter came out pretty early right?  
> Well I start school on Monday, and I'm expecting a shit-ton of homework so I doubt I'll be able to update as often then and I wanted you guys to get one more update before they stop for almost a month.  
> Anyway this chapter might feel rushed because of that, sorry.  
> I keep listening to The Reynold's Pamphlet on repeat, and it's so weird because I haven't listened to Hamilton in a while and one day I was like "huh, The Reynold's Pamphlet". It was weird. And on a musical note, I have been listening to wayyy too much Passion Pit and Foster the People so... Yeah. That's not great either.  
> Also, it gets real angsty at the end because with school looming closer I'm not doing great. I feel a little bad about it.  
> Okay well, enough about me, go read the story!

Chloe and Brooke were practically one entity throughout the time Christine knew them. It was always Chloe and Brooke, Brooke and Chloe, never one without the other. Christine never really interacted with them, mainly because they were popular and she wasn’t, and Chloe scared her.

But sometimes Christine would smile at Brooke, and Brooke would smile back. In high school that’s basically being friends. A few times when Brooke was alone Christine would have a quick conversation with her, but they weren’t super close. After the Squip incident (Michael, Jenna, and Rich called it the ‘squipcident’) though, they talked more and more. Sometimes they went out for yogurt, sometimes they watched movies and TV together, and they enjoyed each other’s company. They hung out more the longer they knew each other, and Christine really liked Brooke. She was sweet and funny and seemed human.

It’s a strange thing to appreciate, but some of the ‘Squip Squad’ seems immortal, or like they’re not afraid of anything. It’s both reassuring and unsettling. But Brooke had many fears, and often let them affect her life. Christine could really relate to that. Rich, Jenna, Jake, and Chloe all seemed so confident, so it was nice to be around someone who has insecurities and questions just like Christine did.

Sure, their musical tastes clashed, and Brooke’s auto correct sometimes made it hard to understand her, but they liked each other. Brooke gave Christine makeovers, and Christine showed Brooke all the good shows and movies. They played with Christine’s chinchilla and turtle, who Brooke loved.

(The chinchilla was named Marshell, so then people would think that was the turtle’s name, and the turtle was named Kimmy. Beth and Christine had gotten them a few years after they moved in. All of Christine’s friends like them, even if some people were hesitant at first. Brooke was not one of those people.)

Beth liked Brooke too and finding a teenager that Beth liked was hard to do. So Christine and Brooke were pretty good friends. They talked about musicals, their confusion on who they were, what the meaning of life was (something Christine had been having trouble with as of late) and just about everything.

One day they were getting yogurt like they often did. It was a chilly November Wednesday, and the sun was starting to set while they were eating their yogurt. The two of them were chatting like they normally did, pointing their spoons and taking bites in between sentences. Christine had gotten watermelon and peach with rainbow sprinkles, waffle cone, hot fudge syrup, and some fruity kind of boba. Brooke gave her a strange look when Christine chose those toppings but didn’t mention it. Brooke had gotten chocolate and strawberry, along with chocolate sprinkles and strawberry chunks and whipped cream. She had some of the whipped cream on her nose, and a small patch of strawberry on the corner of her mouth.

They were talking about the recent rash of drama surrounding Michael and Jeremy. Apparently, Jeremy posted something weird on his Instagram story (according to Jenna it was a picture of him and Michael with a ‘sorry’ caption). It sparked up a conversation about what happened at the Halloween party and why Michael came back for the play. (It also became a conversation about how blown away Jeremy was and continued to be that Michael came to see him in the play. Bi dork.) The group all wondered what to do about the torn friendship, but at some point, after a slightly threatening pep talk from Christine, Jeremy apologized and all seemed right with the world. While maybe it wasn’t clear how Jeremy apologized, it just mattered that it happened and the two boys making up fixed the group’s orbit.

“I can’t believe how easily Michael forgave Jeremy” Brooke commented after taking a bite of her yogurt.

“Well, you forgave Brooke for almost sleeping with Jeremy after a quick text and a few emojis” Christine pointed out.

“Yes, but I mean… I’ve told you about how I feel about Chloe”

Yes, the pinning situation. Well, one of many. It seemed everyone in this strange group of people was pining for someone within it. Brooke was one. Apparently, Brooke had liked Chloe for a while, but her feelings became unbearable after the play, where they couldn’t see each other and had to sit and worry for over fifteen hours. After a night of texting Christine, Brooke had come to the realization that she loved Chloe. Nothing had been done about it yet, but Christine was certain it’d happen soon.

“Yeah true, so do you think that could have been a factor in Michael’s willingness to forgive Jeremy?”

“Are you implying that Michael is gay for Jeremy?” Brooke asked, giving Christine a look like it was shocking.

Christine didn’t say anything, she just smiled and took a bite of watermelon frozen yogurt. Her act was ruined when the cold substance fought back and gave her brain freeze.

_No matter how many times I listen to Freeze Your Brain, it’s still not cool when it happens._

_Heh, ‘cool’._

Christine mentally kicked herself for making a pun out of that, and for letting herself float away in her thoughts.

“That’d make so much sense honestly” Brooke had been talking, musing about how and why Michael would be gay for Jeremy.

Christine nodded, hoping to cover up the fact that she had lost focus.

“So about your crush on Chloe…” Christine started, stirring around her melted yogurt.

Brooke choked a little on the bite she had taken, and Christine had to stand up and pat her back.

“I um” Brooke coughed a few times and cleared her throat. “I don’t think there’s anything to talk about”

“Please, there always is” Christine rolled her eyes and walked back to her seat.

Brooke sighed and frowned at the melty remains of her dessert.

“Alright, well, the other day she mentioned if I would start dating again, and I kind of freaked out”

“How so?”

“Like, booked it. I gestured for Michael to come over and distract her while I claimed I had to go to the bathroom. So I did, and I hid in the stall until Chloe came in asking if I was okay”

Christine had to stop herself from laughing. The whole situation seemed ridiculous. Sad, but laughably crazy. 

“Brooke, I mean in the most serious way, you have to stop hiding from your feelings” Christine let a giggle slip, only to have a crushing feeling of irony cover it up.

How dare she tell someone else to stop hiding from their feelings when she couldn’t even do that herself. Christine felt a few sharp shards of sadness stab through her, but she tried her best to ignore them and keep smiling like nothing was wrong. Well, nothing was wrong. Sure it hurt, but Christine’s feelings were accurate. She should feel bad.

So maybe it wasn't irony. 

Brooke sighed. “I suppose you’re right, but how? And what if she rejects me?”

“She won’t, trust me”

“But what if she does?”

“She won’t”

Brooke took another bite of her soupy, melted yogurt and frowned at the table. “But how should I tell her?”

Christine looked around, like the surroundings would provide her crazed and hyper mind with some idea that will help Brooke. Fortunately, it worked.

“Yogurt!” Christine shouted gleefully, lifting her cardboard bowl to the ceiling. Some of the yogurts leaped out over the side, splattering on the table. Christine frowned and grabbed some napkins to clean it up, earning a semi-dirty look from the worker at the counter.

“What I mean is,” Christine continued, mopping up the split dessert with a fistful of paper napkins, “do something related to yogurt! This is like your guys’ thing”

Brooke nodded, slowly liking the idea more and more. “Yes! That’s great actually, Chloe freakin’ loves this place!”

“Yeah, just figure out something cute to do with it. Or like, just casually bring it up over froyo or something… Sorry I’m kinda terrible at this” Christine laughed nervously, worried her advice wasn’t helpful.

"Nah, you’re good. You give better advice than my mom, and Rich, and Michael, and Jeremy” Brooke listed the people and counted them off on her fingers.

“Really? Huh. Guess I’m better than I thought”

Brooke nodded. “Definitely”

Christine took out her phone to check the time and jumped out of her chair. “Crap, I didn’t realize how late it was!”

That was what time with Brooke felt like. Short. Like the seconds and minutes and hours flowed like water through your fingers when you were around her.

“I’m really sorry but I gotta get home. I have to do homework and I promised my sister we’d watch a movie, and I have to be home for dinner” Christine rattled off reasons, throwing her empty bowl away and putting on her jacket.

“It’s fine, I get it. See you tomorrow!” Brooke called, standing up and getting ready to leave as well.

“See you tomorrow!” Christine waved and left the Pinkberry, the door making a ringing sound as she walked out.

* * *

 

A few weeks later on a Sunday, Christine woke up to a text from Chloe. Everyone was in a group chat, so Chloe had Christine’s number, but she had never personally messaged Christine before.

Christine reached for her phone at approximately seven in the morning after she heard a chime signaling that she had gotten a text from someone. Fearing it was Jeremy freaking out, Rich had done something stupid, Michael needing advice, or Jenna being insecure, Christine grabbed her phone and glanced at the text. It was Chloe.

She was asking for help, stating that everyone she had asked told her to go to Christine.

(That made Christine very happy. Like, grinning, mind buzzing, heart jumping happily. The kind that silenced all her questioning and doubts. It’s a great feeling.)

Christine felt smart, protective, and proud all rolled up in one dizzying feeling. However much she felt like her friends were her kids before, now it was doubled. Christine typed out a response.

‘Really? Wow, I’m shocked. I didn’t think I gave very good advice.’ She frowned and deleted it, typing out a new one. ‘Of course, they told you to come to me. What’s the tissue?’ Christine hit send before she noticed the typo. ‘*issue’

Chloe responded almost immediately. ‘So… I might like Brooke. U kno in the more than friends way’

Christine’s grin widened and she couldn’t help but squeal softly.

‘CHLOE THAT’S SO CUTE!!! :DDD’

‘Christine don’t use that emoji, and IT’S NOT CUTE IT’S HUMILIATING’

‘:DDD’ Christine paused, taking note of the second part of Chloe’s text. ‘Humiling?’

‘Yes! If Brooke found out she’d never talk to me again!’

Christine frowned at the screen, and almost sent a ‘seriously?’ text. How can they be this oblivious? It’s not just Chloe, it’s Jake, Rich, Brooke, Michael, and Jeremy. All of them refuse to believe that the person they’re pining after could maybe like them back.

‘Yeah, but what if she likes you back?’ Christine settled on.

‘She doesn’t’ Came the response.

‘But what if she does?’

‘Then, idfk, we ride into the sunset or some shit?’

Christine rolled her eyes, but she knew Chloe was just freaking out right now and needed some support.

‘Just talk to her’

‘I CANT’

‘Well then wait until you either implode from keeping your feelings bottled up or until she says she likes you too’

‘Gee thanks, Christine’

‘Np’

Christine sighed, feeling the need to help Chloe a little more.

‘Do something nice for her, take her out to get froyo, get her flowers, bake her something, get her a puppy, idk, do something nice and special to announce your undying love for her’

‘Who said anything about undying love?’

Christine sent an exasperated emoji face to get the point across that she was getting frustrated. She couldn’t help someone who didn’t want help.

‘Alright alright, I’ll try one of those’

A silence passed and Christine assumed this conversation was over, so she went onto another app (one where you can raise dragons, she gets bored) when suddenly another chime rang from her phone.

‘Thank you, Christine, for helping me and sticking with me through my bitchiness. You’re the best mom ever <3’

Christine smiled and quickly texted back a reply.

‘Np my daughter :3’

* * *

 

The next play rehearsal in January was far better than any play rehearsal Christine had been to before. All of her friends were in the play again (although technically Jenna was on costumes and Michael was doing… well, basically everything else) and that made play rehearsal better. Which was shocking, because Christine didn’t think it _could_ get any better.

Sure, Michael always made too many copies, Rich couldn’t say certain lines without laughing or lisping and then laughing, and Chloe kept losing her script, but it was alright because they were like her family. A family isn’t perfect, and if it is, it’s fake. They were a little crazy, but she loved them all the same.

They were performing Wicked because apparently Heathers and Book of Mormon are not appropriate for school productions. But it was fine, Wicked was fine. Christine was Glinda, fittingly, and Chloe was Elphaba.

It was after rehearsal, and Christine was sitting on the edge of the stage waiting for Jenna to get back from the bathroom so they could go to Wendy’s and go shopping at an outdoor shopping center together like they did every Friday night (well, basically every Friday night).

Chloe was sitting next to Christine, waiting for Brooke to get back from the bathroom too.

“Hey, um, I just wanted to thank you again” Chloe spoke.

“For what?” Christine looked up from her phone, where she happened to be reading fanfiction.

“For giving me advice on what to do about Brooke. I actually told her about how I felt on Tuesday, and now um, we’re kind of dating?” Chloe was looking down, hair in her face, cheeks red.

Christine leaped up and started jumping up and down happily. “Yay! Chloe that’s amazing! I’m so happy for you!”

“Yay??” Chloe looked unsure as Christine grabbed her arms and pulled her up and started jumping again. Christine stopped jumping once she realized Chloe wasn’t jumping with her and stood there still holding Chloe’s arms.

“So, now it’s your turn,” Chloe said suddenly, giving Christine a serious look.

“What?” Christine flicked her head to the side in confusion.

“You told me to face my feelings, so now it’s your turn to do that. You’ve been telling all of us about how you’re questioning yourself and you’ve been putting off figuring out who you really are because you’re scared of the results. So stop distracting yourself and get to it!”

Christine frowned, upset that her friends picked up on her uncertainty. She was supposed to be the one to go to for advice because she knew everything and had no questions or fears. She was supposed to be the person to lean on. Christine wasn’t supposed to be fragile, she wasn’t supposed to need support or have any questions.

“I um, well, don’t you guys still need me for advice?” Christine smiled nervously at Chloe.

“Well, not really. I mean you’re always needed, but you don’t need to ignore your own needs for us.”

Christine sighed and rubbed her arm. She didn’t want to talk about this, she didn’t want to think about it. Her brain was suddenly swarmed with worries and doubts and questions.

“I guess, but I-”

“Christine!” Jenna called, running over to Christine. “Ready to go?” she looped their arms together and Christine pretended that it wasn’t all she could think about.

(Although it took her mind away from questioning herself and why she was there, which was nice.)

“Yeah, right, I gotta go, bye Chloe!” Christine called over her shoulder as she dragged Jenna along out the auditorium doors.

Chloe stood there shaking her head.

On the way to Wendy’s with Jenna, Christine couldn’t help but wonder about the questions that had plagued her for as long as she could remember.

_Why is this so hard for me? Why can’t I focus? Why can’t I be normal and like sex like other teens? Why can’t I just like boys and not have to worry about this?_

She and Jenna still talked during the ride, but Christine’s mind was in the sky. Jenna laughed about something, and Christine was shaken from her trance.

“Right isn’t that the funniest thing ever? Like seriously.”

Christine didn’t want her to stop laughing, so she forced a laugh and nodded. “Yeah, it is!”

Jenna kept laughing and laughing, and Christine didn’t even know what she was laughing about. But, she decided it didn’t matter. Christine also decided she loved Jenna’s laugh and how it rose and dipped like hills. She liked how it went from soft to incredibly loud the harder Jenna laughed, and how sometimes she snorted. It made Christine’s heart swell and laughter bubble up from inside her.

Then somehow they couldn’t stop laughing and they were a mess of giggles and snorts. They couldn’t pull themselves together even when they pulled into the fast food place’s drive thru, and when Jenna ordered it was broken up by chuckles and giggles. They kept quietly laughing while waiting for their food and kept laughing when they were driving to the shopping center that they had planned on going to.

Finally, they were able to stop laughing and bounced back into their regular conversation, only visited by the occasional chuckle.

“Okay, but did you know Chloe and Brooke are dating?” Jenna said while they were sitting in her car in the outdoor mall’s parking lot, eating their food.

Christine pretended to be shocked because she knew Jenna liked it when she told people knew information. “They are?”

“Yup, Brooke posted something about it on her Snapchat story” Jenna explained, nodding happily.

“Aw, they’re so cute together” Christine commented.

“They really are. Brooke and Chloe both talked about each other like twenty-four-seven so we all pretty much knew this was coming, but still. It was surprising and adorable.”

“True, I bet Rich and Jake are next,” Christine said, throwing the rest of her trash in the paper bag.

Jenna nodded, finishing her fries then throwing the carton in the bag.

“Me too. Anyway, shall we go inside the bookstore?” Jenna offered in an obviously fake posh voice.

“We shall” Christine answered back in a better imitation.

They each opened their car doors and met each other at the front of the vehicle. Jenna looped their arms together again and lead Christine towards the Barnes and Noble.

For once, Christine was able to push back her questions, and she even answered two of them.

_Why am I here? What’s my purpose?_

_I’m here to help my friends, I’m here to give them advice and lead them in the right direction. I’m here to be their parent and guardian when they need one._

_I think._

Jenna was swerving around bookshelves, and she had moved her grip to Christine’s hand.

“Christine look all of Stephen King’s paperback books are on sale” Jenna yelled, scaring a woman in the aisle next to them, who had a cooking book in her hand.

“Oh sweet! I could get one of these for Beth” Christine reached for It and held the thick book in her hand.

“And I could read Cujo and mock Michael when it does not scar me for life”

This made both of them laugh.

“It’s something with him and dogs” Christine agreed, checking the price on the back of the book.

“Definitely.” Jenna grabbed another book off the shelf, flipping it over to look at the description then tucking it under her arm. “‘Kay, so I’m going to swing over to the young adult section and look for books, care to join?” Jenna grinned at Christine.

"No, I think I’m going to look at the CDs,” Christine said, pointing in the general area of them.

“Alright, meet in the YA section when you’re done. Chances are I’ll take longer than you” Jenna let go of Christine’s hand (which Christine hadn't forgotten she was holding) and walked over to said book section.

Christine smiled at her even after she was gone, and she stood there for a little longer, then walked away towards the CDs and movies. Her thoughts were buzzing and flying around, and she kept losing her focus, but that was alright she thought. Christine wandered along the shelves, gazing at titles and cases. Only a few negative thoughts blew through her mind, but they definitely caught her attention.

_Another day, another distraction, another thing to convince yourself that you’re all figured out._

Christine pushed that thought away, but more came back.

_Dear Lord, am I gay?_

_I couldn’t be. My parents would kick me out if I was._

That one scared Christine, and she stopped short in the aisle. It was true, but she didn’t want to think about it. It hurt to acknowledge it. It hurt to consider it.

Christine shook her head and went off to find Jenna so she could think about something else and not cry in the middle of a bookstore.

Chloe was right, Christine did need to figure herself out. She couldn’t go on like this. She knew it was bad, that bottling all this up would make her lash out in some way. But still, some part of Christine couldn’t do it, she was scared. What would she find? Who would she become?

Those were all problems for another day. 

For now, Christine wiped her eyes and gripped the book in her hand tighter, and went off to find Jenna.

_I’ll figure this out tomorrow._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ask every time but... How was it?  
> Oh by the way, I finally finished Dear Evan Hansen after 500 years, so expect something for that coming soon.  
> I didn't cry until So Big/So Small and then I couldn't stop so...  
> (And it really helped my mood and mental state sooo that's good.)  
> Well anyway, if you want to talk to me about DEH, BMC, my obsession with abbreviations and commas, your life, Stranger Things, In a Heartbeat, or anything really, feel free to message my Tumblr: burgundy-burgers.  
> Also, hey, while you're at it, send me your headcanons for Christine! Or about anyone.  
> I hope you all have a great day, and if you're starting school again, good luck!


	4. Christine Makes a Best Friend!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christine has never had a best friend. Well, until now.  
> It's nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear lord this took forever! I am so, so, so, so, so sorry about that. School started and there is a ton of homework so I had to balance writing and homework. Also, I fell into a small writer's block, which made it hard to write. Again I'm really sorry for how long this took, and I'm hoping it doesn't sound rushed or unnatural because of the awkward spacing in between when I was writing. So this is going to more Jeremy and Christine's friendship focused, but there are going to be some splashes of Michael and Christine's friendship too. I'll include more Michael and Christine in later chapters, and I was planning to include more here, but Jeremy just sort of took center stage y'know?  
> I hope you enjoy this!  
> (Jeremy is going to go through so much I'm sorry)

When Christine first started high school, she went to an orientation a week before school started. The point, she guessed, was to help freshmen be less scared of the school and to not get lost as much. It wasn’t very helpful in that aspect. They were split up into groups randomly, and Christine found herself in the presence of strangers. Each group had two seniors (maybe one senior and a junior) that would show the group around. Christine’s group went up the stairs and into what looked like a history classroom. Christine looked around the group she got put into and realized only one person from her middle school was in there.

This kid she never really knew, but they had a few classes together. Jeremy. She liked it when there was a sub in a class with him, or when anyone took role because his last name is Heere and it’s funny. Although she also hated it because whenever he sat in front of her she couldn’t see the board. They never talked really, but she didn’t hate him. In the group, they played ‘ice-breaker games’ and learned each other's names. Then they explored the school. Every group had something to mark themselves, like Hawaiian leis or hats or those cheap plastic glasses without any lenses. Their group had party hats and wands to look like wizards in some way. Kids were complaining about how embarrassing it’d be, but they put the hats on. Christine personally didn’t care. But Jeremy grabbed the wand and stuck it in a hole in his hat.

“What are you doing?” Christine asked.

“Well, if you’re going to embarrass yourself, do it right” he replied, smiling at her.

(Two years later, Christine still follows that advice. She no longer cares what people think of her, she does what she wants, and if she embarrassed herself along the way, so what? Jeremy without realizing it changed Christine’s life.)

Christine nodded, following Jeremy and putting her wand into her hat. They both laughed.

“I’m Jeremy,” Jeremy said.

“I know, your last name is Heere so when teachers call role it’s funny” Christine replied.

Of all the insensitive things to say to an introduction, that has to be one of the worst.

Jeremy’s face fell, and he frowned at the floor. “Right”

Christine felt awful. This boy was just trying to be nice and look what she did.

“Sorry, that sounded terrible. You’re in my robotics class and you play video games during class and you’re pretty great at them” Christine tried, extendeding her hands out when she talked subconsciously.

Jeremy brightened, but he seemed a little less excited than before. “Thanks, there wasn’t really much else to do in that class”

Their senior group leader drew them all back together, and off they ventured into the halls of the school. After a few minutes of walking, Jeremy spoke up.

“That advice isn’t mine”

“What?” Christine asked, confused because that had happened more than five minutes ago, and mentally she had moved on. Even though she forgot the conversation, said advice stuck with her. 

“The ‘if you’re going to embarrass yourself do it right’ thing. It’s not mine. My friend said that” Jeremy explained.

(Christine noted how high his voice was. When you saw his tallness you assumed that he’d have a deeper voice. But no, he had the voice of a sixth-grade boy.)

“Who’s your friend?”

“Michael Mell” Christine frowned, trying to remember why that name sounded familiar.

“The kid with the red sweatshirt?”

Jeremy grinned. “That’s him!”

“I know him! He’s in my advanced language arts class and sits in the back near me. He gets good grades but he never raises his hand or answers”

“Yeah, Michael’s really smart, he’s not much of a public speaker though” Jeremy agreed, smiling.

When the class had to do a speech at the end of the semester, Michael blew everyone away. That kid didn’t talk often in that class, but he when did it was amazing. Christine had talked to him a few times, and like Jeremy, he found it hard to talk about anything that didn’t involve his best friend. Which is how Jeremy and Christine’s conversations mostly went.

Did she like video games? No, she didn’t get much exposure to them. Apparently, Michael was brilliant at them. Does Jeremy have any pets? No, his mom was allergic. Michael had a huge dog though, and Jeremy was over at his house often enough that it felt like it was sort of his pet.

(His mom was? What happened to her? These were questions Christine wanted to ask but didn’t for fear of bringing up a sore subject.)

They went back and forth like that, and Christine swore she learned about as much about Michael as she did Jeremy. She didn’t mind though, she liked both of them. Eventually, the day ended and everyone was sent home. Christine was waiting for her mom outside, Jeremy was waiting for the bus.

“You’re pretty great,” Christine said randomly. She had been thinking it for a while, she just hadn’t said anything.

Jeremy chuckled. “Thanks, you’re pretty great too. That means a lot coming from me”

Christine was about to say more when another voice from behind them rang out.

“JEREMY!” it shouted. They both turned around, and there was a boy running with the force of a thousand suns towards Jeremy. He was wearing a red sweatshirt and his hair looked like he had been underwater.

It took Christine a second to realize it was Michael. Michael was hugging Jeremy like he hadn’t seen him in years and Jeremy was hugging back with the same force.

“How was your day?” Michael asked, so focused on his best friend that he didn’t notice Christine. Not that she minded.

“It was alright, how was yours?”

“Pretty okay actually. I met this kid Rich who seems great except that his name is often abbreviated by Dick which freaks me out in some weird-” Michael stopped when he noticed Christine. “Oh God sorry did I cut you off?”

She shook her head. “Oh no, you’re good”

“Sweet... who are you?”

“Christine Canigula” Christine stuck her hand out.

“Michael Mell” Michael shook Christine's hand briefly, then let go.

“I know, Jeremy told me about you”

Michael looked shocked. “Really?”

“Yeah he couldn’t stop talking”

Michael and Jeremy were both red.

“I didn’t talk that much!”

“Jeremy I’m pretty sure I know his address and the exact time he brushes his teeth”

Michael was laughing with a hand on Jeremy’s arm, face still red.

“Aw, Jere you talk about me?”

Jeremy pushed Michael away, laughing lightly.

“No, I don’t”

“Yeah, you do” Christine argued.

Then they started talking about school and classes and at some point Jeremy mentioned that he missed the bus (really he yelled “shit I missed the bus” in the middle of a sentence) and Michael frowned at Jeremy.

“Dude, your dad isn’t picking you up?”

Jeremy laughed nervously. “Well no, he didn’t wake up in time to take me so I took a bus and I expected that I’d have to take one home”

“Do you want a ride? My mom’s on her way here right now” Michael offered, still sounding worried. 

“Aw fricking fudge, my mom’s waiting for me in the car!” Christine yelped, just now remembering her mother and the fact that she was somewhere in the parking lot waiting for Christine.

Something about must have been funny because Jeremy and Michael both started laughing.

“What?” Christine asked, adjusting her backpack and preparing to leave.

“Fr-fricking fudge?” Jeremy asked in between giggles.

“Yeah, what’s wrong with that?”

Both boys lost it again, holding onto each other for support.

Christine realized that Jeremy’s laugh, a real one, not a flustered or nervous one; sounded so sweet and pleasant and it made her want to laugh too.

“Okay, but for real I gotta go, bye guys!” Christine called, and both of them yelled their goodbyes. Christine has no idea if Jeremy did end up getting a ride from Michael, but she does know that she had never seen two boys enjoy each others’ company so much before.

* * *

 

Christine had Michael in most of her Advanced Placement courses, and in her gym. They talked a lot, and on the first day Michael sat next to her in every class she had him in.

“Hey guess what? You’re the only person I know so you’re graced with my company” Michael said the first time he sat next to her.

“I feel honored”

“You should, my presence is a gift”

Christine giggled, then the class started.

This was how most of their conversations went, joking and laughing. They worked together when they could, they ran together in gym, and they talked in every class.

Christine could see why Jeremy was so attached to Michael.

Michael was… Hard to describe.

Christine realized that it wasn’t hard to get carried away talking about Michael, he was complicated and one action or trait had to be explained by another action or trait or joke. Michael was strange, but he was great and Christine really liked his company.

She didn’t talk to Jeremy much anymore, not because she didn’t want to but simply because she didn’t really know when she would do it. They had no classes together and they had different lunches. Christine felt pretty bad about this, but she had other things to really worry and think about so it went to the back of her mind.

In sophomore year, she and Michael had fewer classes together, and then in junior year, they had none. Like their shared classes, their conversations fell away as time went on. So by junior year, she was the odd musical girl and he was the antisocial headphones kid and neither interacted.

(Jeremy was the kid who became popular seemingly overnight.)

Christine went out and found her own group of friends. They weren’t the best, and she didn’t really relate to them, but she had someone to sit with at lunch. She never went to sleepovers or anything with them, but in a class, they’d sit together sometimes. A few of them sort of liked plays, but mainly they were all movie or comic people. Christine didn’t get that. More often than not she simply sat by and listened to conversations. High school was an experience that dragged on and she couldn’t wait until it was over.

Then she found play rehearsal and that was her sanctuary. A section of time where she could be someone else every day. Christine fell in love with play rehearsal, and it became her ticket out of the sucky surrounding of high school, and a place where life was easy even if only for a little bit.

After the squip incident, everyone was more connected and open, and Christine was reminded of why she enjoyed being friends with Michael and Jeremy. Her old group didn’t miss her when she started eating lunch with and hanging out with her new friends, and a tiny part of her thought they’d even be relieved. But Christine didn’t allow herself to dwell on that. She hated thinking things of that nature. She hated how sad they were, how they made her feel, how they stung when she thought them. So she ignored them.

They happened more since the Squip, but she was able to ignore those thoughts better thanks to her friends.

She loved her friends, really.

Christine was worried she didn’t show her love and appreciation enough and that her friends wouldn’t know how much she needed them in her life. Sometimes they said the most destructive things about themselves (mostly Rich and Jeremy) and she felt hurt that they felt that way. It couldn’t be further from the truth, and she felt guilty for never being able to convince them of that. She knew it was hard for them, and that she’d never understood really what it was like to feel the way they do (Christine rarely had self-deprecating thoughts or anxiety), but she still wanted to do everything she could to help them.

This was part of the reason she accepted Jeremy’s offer to go on a date. True, it was only an offer for lunch, but they both knew it was a date. It was horrible to agree just because she knew how Jeremy could attack himself if she said no, but it was the truth. The ugly truth. She felt terrible the entire date, and Jeremy seemed to be too nervous to function. Their first lunch date (held at a pizza place upon Jeremy’s request) was a train wreck. However, their second date, a casual meetup at the mall, went much better. They were both more relaxed and acted like they had been friends for years. They each noticed when they didn’t label it as a date, their interactions went considerably better.

Christine met up with Jeremy all the time after that, but they never used the term dating. Christine wasn’t sure she felt romantically about Jeremy (she wanted to talk and joke with him, and she wanted to protect him, but that isn’t always romance), and all Jeremy could seem to think about most days was Michael.

_Is Michael okay? What is he doing? He’d love this place. I should get him that shirt. We’re going to see that movie tomorrow. What’d he say to you?_

These were often topics of conversation, and Christine didn’t mind at all. She thought it was adorable how invested in Michael Jeremy was, and she’d let him vent to her for hours.

One day after a few weeks of being in an awkward place between dating and friendship, Christine and Jeremy were watching Legally Blonde in Jeremy’s living room. Jeremy was sitting next to Christine, slightly tilted to the side so she could put bobby pins and bows in his hair (she brought them from her house).

“I think we should break up,” Jeremy said out of nowhere.

“We’re dating?” Christine responded before she could think better of it.

“I’m not sure, but if we are, we should break up. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love being friends with you. You’re awesome and I love being around you, but I guess I don’t really have romantic feelings for you anymore? Sorry, I’m sorry, that sounds really mean and assholey-”

Christine cut him off after he went into a particularly self-deprecating spiral. “Hey, it’s alright, it’s totally fine. I agree you’re amazing and a great person, but I’d rather be friends. And, you’re not an asshole”

“Thanks”

“No problem”

They were quiet after that, Christine putting bows into Jeremy’s hair and both of them watching the movie.

“So, want to come over tomorrow and play video games with me and Michael?”

By “play with” Jeremy meant watch Michael and him play video games and offer commentary.

“Yeah of course” Christine responded, her reply muffled by the bobby pin in her mouth.

Jeremy grinned, shifting slightly and crossing his legs on the couch.

“Sweet,” he said.

* * *

 

After everything, Michael disappeared. Well, not really. He came to school, then went home. Jeremy rode the bus, got rides from others, and they hardly talked to each other. They’d wave in the halls and smile at each other and sometimes talk at lunch, but they didn’t speak much outside of school.

Christine hated that. She hated that it made them both miserable and that they both thought the other was mad at them. They both sat in misery instead of talking to the other and it was unhealthy. Each of them thought they were in the wrong and that they were terrible friends.

But it was mostly Jeremy who took that destructive attitude and brought it on himself.

Jeremy confessed this clutching a pillow in Christine's room on her bed, tearing up and voice cracking.

“I want him back” Jeremy admitted, crying.

“Go get him then” Christine replied in a soft voice. 

Jeremy shook his head, burying it into the pillow. “He doesn’t want me back. I don’t blame him. I’m a monster, I was so terrible to him and I abandoned him, I don’t deserve him”

Christine got up off her bungee chair and walked over to Jeremy, hugging him tightly.

“You’re not a monster Jeremy, you made a mistake, and that’s okay. That’s fine, everyone does it. You can fix it, he doesn’t hate you”

Christine continued to hug Jeremy as he sobbed into her shoulder, shaking his head and refusing to accept the reassurance. Christine began to sway back and forth, unsure if it was helping but it made her feel better when she was upset, so she decided to try it on, Jeremy.

“H-he ha-hates me-e,” Jeremy said in between gulping breaths and sobs.

“Michael doesn’t hate you, he’s your best friend”

“I’m, I’m the wors-worst person ev-ever”

“Nooo, no you’re not Jere, you’re great and smart and you can still be friends with Michael, you still are”

Jeremy broke away from Christine, sniffling and wiping his nose on the sleeves of his cardigan. Christine reached over to her dresser and gave him a tissue.

Jeremy and Christine sat in silence, Christine waiting for Jeremy to calm down so she could give him advice, and comfort him more. Jeremy was blowing his nose and sniffling, still crying.

“It’s hard” he whispered, and Christine stayed silent, letting him talk.

“The squip is still here, still telling me how awful I am, how ugly and gross I look, how terrible of a friend I am to you all. Even when it’s not there, I tell myself these things and I know that they’re true, and it hurts. It stings and I hate that it makes me cry. I’m just a weak idiot who can’t talk to people and who is going to lose his best friend because he can’t fucking have a conversation!” Jeremy started hitting the pillow as he talked, slowly slipping back into hysterics.

Christine watched in horror as the dorky boy she became friends with turned into a hurricane of dark thoughts and tears.

“An-and now he’s going to leave me because he hates me, and he should. He’s better off without me! I don’t deserve him, I don’t deserve his smile and his laugh and how nice and, and understand he is! And I’ll never tell him I love him” Jeremy paused, pausing to gasp for air in between sobs. “I don’t deserve any of this. I’m better off dead”

Christine finally found her voice again and immediately started trying to make this hurting and torn up boy feel better. The fact that Jeremy said he loved Michael flew over Christine's well-meaning head. “Jeremy, hey, none of that is true. You’re so amazing. You’re a great friend, you’re just in pain. It’s hard for both of you, and Michael loves you, he’d never hate you, he’ll always be there for you. You just need to talk to him. You can do it. You’re smart and talented and I know you can do it. It’s gonna be hard but as soon as you talk to Michael again, you’ll be okay. You’ll both be best friends again right?” Christine was hugging Jeremy again, rubbing his back.

“But even if I talk to him, our friendship will still get wrecked”

“How?” Christine failed to see his logic. She understood her mother now when Christine would complain about something that only made sense to her, and she’d get exasperated when her mother didn’t understand.

“Because…” Jeremy paused, frowning down at his hands. “I maybe sorta like him. More than friend”

Christine gasped, then smiled, momentarily forgetting how torn up over this Jeremy was. She failed to see how it was a bad thing. Then again, she knew more about the situation than he did. “Awww, really?”

Jeremy nodded, still not looking at her.

“Jeremy, that’s not going to ruin your friendship, but if you don’t do anything about it you’re going to drive yourself crazy”

“But he doesn’t like me back! It’s going to make our friendship so weird, how is he even going to look at me?” Jeremy finally faced Christine, eyes puffy and tears on his cheeks.

Christine smiled softly at Jeremy, trying not to give what she knew away. “Michael has been your best friend for twelve years, this isn’t going to tear you guys apart. A maniac quantum nanocomputer couldn’t stop you from being friends”

Jeremy nodded and suddenly moved to hug Christine tightly. Christine was surprised but hugged back.

“Thanks,” Jeremy said softly, his voice tired from crying and venting.

“You’re welcome” Christine replied.

Jeremy considered Michael on a higher rank than everyone else, but he did later state that Christine was his best friend. Christine was ecstatic. She realized then that Jeremy was her best friend too, and even though she loved all her friends, Jeremy might be her favorite. Then she thought about it more and felt guilty for ranking them all, so she scrapped the idea, but still referred to Jeremy as her best friend. (Even though Brooke was her best friend, and Jenna was a little more than that. Christine determined that more than one best friend was alright.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was it? Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Anything I should change?  
> I'm hoping the next chapter will take less time than this one did, but I can't guarantee that will happen. So this book is going to go to shit soon, so I'd prepare yourself.  
> My tumblr is burgundy-burgers, so feel free to send me any headcanons you have for Christine or anything else you'd like to talk to me about.  
> Alright well, I'm terrible at ending notes so, um, peace out girl scout.


	5. Christine Sees Stars!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space metaphors and pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS A MONTH LATE WOW  
> I'm so sorry, I didn't realize how long this chapter was taking. I had to rewrite most of it for plot reasons and then I decided to add another part to it that ended up being long and tedious. School is killing me and I am always stressed out over something. Anyway I am so sorry.  
> I've entered a space-obsession phase and this chapter is a reflection of that, there's an entire scene of space metaphors and similes so be prepared.  
> Also it's 4500+ words, so I hope the longness of it makes up for how late it is.

While orientation went great, the first day of high school was a terrifying and awful experience. The school was so… so big. Too big. There was too much space and Christine felt like she was being swallowed up by the walls and ceilings. She was just one tiny girl in a huge and overwhelming world. The halls were the worst. So many people and lives clashing against each other, the heat and stench of bodies pressed against one another, yelling and shoving. There was just too much. If Christine were to explain her first day of high school, she’d say “too much” because that’s really all she could think as she swam through currents of people. She wishes she could say it got better (in a way it did), but it didn’t. Not really.

Even in junior year she still had trouble being swept up in the large crowds of people. Which was happening the last day of finals, as Christine helplessly tried to go to the bathroom and cross over lanes of students to the other side of the hall. Christine was nearly there when she almost collided with a tiny freshman boy, who looked petrified. Christine leaped out of the way just in time, and the boy backed away too, each of them disturbing other people next to them.

_Ack, screw it, I’ll go later._

“Christine!” someone yelled. It was Michael, and he was waving at Christine from a hallway.

Christine lurched into the hall, almost crashing a few more times. “Hey!” She greeted breathlessly.

“Hi, it’s rush hour huh?”

“Yeah, sure is” Christine gave another glance out into the hall.

“Hey, can you come over after school today?” Michael asked, holding onto his backpack straps.

“Yeah sure, why?”

“I need to talk to you about something”

It wasn’t odd for people to ask Christine to go to their house for advice or help, so Christine didn’t see anything wrong with this invitation.

“Alright cool, should I meet you there?” Christine was bouncing on her heels, slightly worried about getting to class on time even though her class was just down the hall and this exchange had been less than thirty seconds long.

“Yeah, I have to pick something up for my mom after school”

“Alrighty then, I’ll see you after school!” Christine said, backing up into the hall then prancing off into the lines of teens.

Classes slipped by, and soon enough Christine was riding home with her mom (even in junior year, her mom dropped her off and picked her up). After she got home and had a quick snack, she walked to Michael’s house. (Beth wasn’t there. She hadn’t been in the house much recently. Christine was always around when she was Beth’s age, so she didn’t really understand why Beth was out so much.) Her mom got some food and started watching Gilmore Girls on the TV. They talked about dinner options given Christine’s dad was out on business, and what time she’d be back, then Christine set out.

Michael and Christine’s houses weren't too far so walking wasn’t really an issue. She skipped up to his door and rang the doorbell, barking following soon after. Michael answered the door with messy hair and in a completely different outfit than he was wearing when Christine last saw him. He looked like he had been sleeping, wearing sweatpants and a loose shirt with some band she’d never heard of on the front.

“Yo” Michael greeted, yawning.

“Hi! Sorry if I woke you up”

“Nah it’s fine, I knew you were coming over, I didn’t mean to fall asleep”

“Oh okay”

They stood there for a few heavy seconds before Michael stepped aside and told Christine to come in. She greeted Michael’s dog (she forgot its name every time, but she was pretty sure it started with a C), then they went into the living room, sitting on the couch automatically. They always went to the living room when Jeremy wasn’t there, granted that had only happened twice before, but it seemed like second nature by now. Christine felt that the basement was a sacred Jeremy and Michael place, and she’d feel like an intruder without Jeremy and Michael both being present.

“So I heard you and Jere broke up?” Michael asked.

“Yeah, it was mutual”

“That’s what Jeremy said. I only wanted to ask you because the person who gets dumped always says it was mutual”

“Oh! Right, no, yeah it really was mutual. We’re still really good friends but, we just don’t like each other like that” Christine explained, ignoring the nagging in the back of her head insisting it was because she didn’t like boys. She didn’t need to think about that problem today.

“Okay good, because if you had really dumped him we would’ve had problems” Michael chuckled lightly.

“Oh I would never do that, Jeremy’s the best” Christine laughed too.

“I know” The jokey response had an undercurrent of affection that made Christine second-guess the previous conversation’s intent.

“So what did you need to talk to me about?” Christine asked.

Michael cleared his throat, running a hand through his hair. He was obviously nervous, and that rubbed off on Christine.

“Sorry I’m just trying to- to find the best way to phrase this” Michael apologized, even though he didn’t really need to.

“It’s fine, take your time”

After a minute, Michael took a deep breath and started.

“So um, first thing you need to know in order to fully understand the situation, it's uh… I’m trans?” Michael said it like a question, even though it was something certain.

“Oh, okay. Thanks for telling me” Christine had questions, comments, things she wanted to know, but she held them back for the fear of offending Michael. Michael was a strong and tolerant individual, but she was in unknown territory here and she didn't know what was out of line and what wasn't. She was always worried about that, and she often side-stepped tricky subjects because of this. She never asked about Rich or Jake’s families, never about Brooke’s cat, Chloe’s sleep, what Jeremy was thinking about, or Jenna’s brother.

Michael looked a little surprised, and opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again.

“That’s part one, in a way. Um, I guess that makes part two the fact that I… I um, I maybe like Jeremy? As in, more than a friend?” Michael kept saying statements like questions, and Christine guessed it was simply because he was nervous.

It took a second, but Christine registered the news and broke out into a grin. “Oh my gosh, really?”

Michael nodded, looking slightly upset.

“Michael that’s so great!”

“Uhh I feel like it’s not”

“Why?” Christine asked, genuinely confused on why liking someone isn’t the best feeling in the world.

Christine can be hypocritical sometimes.

“Because this could literally mutilate my friendship!” Michael raked his hands through his hair as he said this, sounding thoroughly scared.

“Mutilate is a little strong, don’t you think?” Christine blurted.

Michael frowned at her.

“Right, sorry, not the time” she paused then looked Michael up and down. “Why are you so scared of your feelings?”

(The sense of hypocrisy within that statement was not lost by Christine.)

“It’s not that I’m afraid of the feelings, I’m afraid of what they could do. I’ve known I liked boys since like, the third grade, and the feelings never really scared me. I have some amazing parents who raised me right and didn’t treat me any different because I was gay. Jeremy knows I’m gay and he’s always supported me, but…” Michael sighed, combing his fingers through his hair again. “He’s straight, very straight, so if I ever made a move he wouldn’t reciprocate the feelings and it might make the friendship weird and then he’ll leave me for good and I wouldn’t be able to deal with that because he’s my best friend and I couldn’t live without him” the last part came out in a rush as Michael started to pull on his sleeves and tears started to spill from his eyes.

Christine reached an arm over Michael’s shoulders and hugged him, not really knowing what to say. It worked, mainly because Michael was big on physical comfort.

“I’m sorry I’m kind of a mess” Michael apologized, pulling away and taking in a gulp of air.

“It’s fine, it’s completely okay. It’s a scary situation, but you shouldn’t bottle it up. If you ever need anyone to talk to I’m here” Christine’s advice was coming out in half-thoughts given she was still a little distracted by the fact that Michael liked Jeremy.

She had her guesses since last year, and the fact that she was right was a great feeling. She always thought it’d be adorable if they got together, and it’d be beneficial to both of them (especially with recent events). Christine wondered if what she thought would actually help in this situation. She decided to chance it.

“For the record, I’ve always thought you and Jeremy are perfect for each other. You calm him down and you keep him grounded. He listens to you when you need it and makes you go outside. You complete each other”

Michael’s lip wobbled and he smiled at Christine, shaky but bright. He didn’t say anything, but he leaned forward and crushed Christine in a hug that she gladly returned. They sat there for a little while, both just taking in the moment of peace and appreciating their friend.

“Do you ever just wear leggings and a shirt?” Michael asked randomly, diffusing the last hurt and upset feelings that were still lingering.

“Nah, that’s boring, there always has to be a scarf or jacket or skirt, or all three” Christine responded, puffing up her scarf for emphasis.

“Of course, and The Great Christine Canigula can’t be reduced to normal teenage tropes”

“Of course not, and neither can The Magnificent Michael Mell”

They both laughed, then fell into another comfortable silence. Their conversations didn’t last long, but there was a mutual understanding in the air.

“You know… Jeremy wasn’t any good at video games when I started with him. He’d run into walls constantly and I’d have to stay behind him at all times to keep him from getting killed” Michael chuckled and shook his head. He was obviously going to continue, so Christine stayed silent. Michael was in a vulnerable mood and she didn’t want to burst the bubble. Michael loved to talk, but often times he kept feelings and sacred things to himself, only sharing them with certain people. Christine felt elated that she was considered one of them.

Truly, there is no better feeling in the world than being trusted.

“Then he kept playing and playing and eventually we were practically on the same level. I kept, er, keep trying to help him like he still needs my help. He’s more than capable of playing himself, but I still pester him and give him tips and I adjust his controller while he’s playing. I guess it’s habit” Michael paused again, looking at the floor, “maybe I just want to feel needed.”

Christine smiled, wobbly and sad because what Michael just said may have broken her heart. Michael would never say, ever, how hurt he was when Jeremy left him to become popular. He knew how Jeremy already tore himself up over it, and Michael would never add to that. But still, the experience hadn’t been kind to Michael.

“You’re still needed. Not just by Jeremy, by all of us. You and Chloe have those long talks about who you’re pining over, you and Rich have those weird Food Network marathons, you argue with Jake over everything and he actually enjoys it, Jenna and you gossip, Brooke and you paint each other’s nails, and you’re one of my best friends. We all need you” Christine grabbed Michael’s hand and squeezed it.

Michael was tearing up again, still looking at the ground, but he was smiling now.

“So how was your day?” Christine asked, trying to make Michael feel better.

“Oh my God I have to tell you about this girl…”

Christine eventually went home around five thirty, bouncing her way down the sidewalk to her house. Today had been a good day, albeit a little more emotional than she’d originally planned. Often times once one emotion is unraveled several more flood out. But she was able to help Michael, and that was what really mattered. She had learned some information, and although it was tempting to run to Jeremy and tell him the news, it was a secret.

_“Why can't I tell him?”_  She’d asked.

_“Remember? Mutilated friendship!”_

So Christine pushed down the urge to fix the boy’s problem and kept her lips shut. Her phone buzzed in her bag pocket, and she reached in to grab it. It was Jeremy, asking her something about Michael and if he looked tired that day. Christine chewed on her lip. This was going to be more difficult than she thought.

* * *

 

Between Michael and Jeremy’s secret mutual pining, Jake’s empty apartment, Rich’s dad, Chloe’s anger issues, and whatever shiz Christine has going on, her life was becoming a little stressful. Unlike Chloe, Brooke, Jake, Jenna, and Rich’s problems, Michael and Jeremy’s could be fixed if one of them decided to man up and ask the other out.

So in order to increase the likelihood of this happening, Christine booked extra time for them to hang out in order to give both boys advice at the same time. She often invited both Michael and Jeremy over to her house or out to a restaurant and gave hint upon hint for one of them to make a move. Beth helped out when she could, but she was out of the house more and more with her new “friend” Jennifer.

(They both looked at each other in such a way that Christine was certain they were more than friends to some degree. It added another layer of worry onto Christine’s plate because if Beth did like girls, why didn’t she tell Christine? Why didn’t she feel safe enough to go to Christine the second she saw a pretty girl and felt something different? Why didn’t she tell Christine about the crush she has or how she was worried about liking girls? These questions kept Christine up at night.)

Anyway, getting Michael and Jeremy to just _fricking admit their feelings_  was turning out harder than it should have been. Their ‘meeting’ before the two announced they were dating(one week after the meeting) was a little bit awkward, the obvious tension in the air clogging their conversations. After considering some of their actions as the night went on, Christine realized that the two had probably already kissed or something like that and they were trying really hard not to make it seem like they were totally going to make out in Michael’s car afterward.

They met at a Wendy’s at around seven thirty on a Friday night in January. It was freezing, but they all still got Frosties. Michael was watching Jeremy talk about something, all his attention focused on the lanky boy. Christine was watching Michael watching Jeremy, and Jeremy was describing something in detail and flailing his hands around. Michael took a french fry and dipped it in his Frosty.

“What did you just do?” Christine interrupted, utterly disturbed.

Michael looked over at her, still chewing. “I ate a fry”

“No, you dipped it in your Frosty”

“Yeah, so?” he shrugged.

“That’s disgusting” Christine wrinkled her nose.

She loved odd things and combinations, but when it came to food, she was not adventurous.

“That’s what I’ve been telling him!” Jeremy yelled, pointing to Michael, who was sitting right next to him looking confused.

“It’s not that gross. Jeremy, you’ve never tried it, and Christine I doubt you have as well”

Christine shook her head.

“I haven’t, but I don’t need to have tried it to know it’s gross”

"But you don’t know it’s gross until you try it” Michael insisted.

“You know some things just don’t feel right to you” Christine narrowed her eyes, not entirely talking about food anymore.

It was a habit of hers to drag more serious subjects into calm casual conversations. She didn’t know why she did it, but she did.

Michael shrugged, eating another Frosty-covered fry. “I suppose for certain things that’s true, but my philosophy for food anyway is different. Like I know I don’t like kissing girls even though I’ve never kissed one”

“I’ll never understand that” Jeremy muttered, stirring his Frosty with a spoon. “The girl thing, and the fry-Frosty thing”

There was a thump and it was obvious that Michael had kicked Jeremy under the table. “Yeah well you like salt on watermelons and pepper on apples so shut the fuck up Jeremiah” Michael was glaring at Jeremy despite the fact that he was smiling.

Jeremy mimicked Michael’s actions, kicking him under the table, glaring but smiling.

Christine looked back and forth between them like she was at a tennis match. She giggled and took a sip of her watered down Dr. Pepper.

“What are you laughing at?” Jeremy asked in the least offensive way, like he was genuinely curious.

“You guys seriously bicker like you’re married. No, shut up, you do” Christine said, starting to laugh when both boys went red and started to deny what she said.  
“N-no that’s, that’s not- uh” Jeremy stuttered helplessly, trying to deny Christine’s statement to no avail.

“You can’t even argue with me on this” Maybe she was baiting them a little bit, but it’d been forever since she found out about their mutual feelings.

They slipped into an awkward but brief silence, the two blushing boys sitting on their side of the booth staring at the floor, Christine staring at them in amusement.

“Christine, can I talk to you in private?” Jeremy asked, not looking up from the sticky tile.

“Sure, but uh, where?”

Jeremy stood up and grabbed her wrist dragging her down a hallway. He knocked on the girls’ bathroom door and when no one replied he opened the door and pulled Christine in.

“The guys’ bathroom smells so… and I need to talk to you… yeah” Jeremy was wringing his hands together, looking around the small room.

“Sure, this is fine” Christine walked over to the toilet and pulled the cover over the seat so she wasn’t sitting in a hole. “What’d you need to talk to me about?”

“Michael, my feelings, the Squip” Jeremy started to pace, running a frantic hand through his hair.

“Okay, where do you want to start?”

“Well first of all, how the fuck did I not realize I was bi before? Like girls are so great and so are guys and especially Michael and I think I’m in love with him”

“Well, I don’t know how to respond to that other than that you already talked to me about this and I gave you the same answer; talk to Michael”

Jeremy scoffed and continued pacing, his shoes making a soft clack against the tile.

Christine took the time to look around the bathroom, noticing things. There was a little table with multiple trays that had toiletries and tissues in them, and there was a vase with faux flowers sitting on top. The fan came on with the light, so the buzzing and whirring noises were constant and either calming or annoying depending on how you looked at it.

“The squip has really been bothering me lately and it’s honestly not been great for my mental health. I skipped first and second period twice this past week just because I couldn’t find the effort inside me to get out of bed. I went to third period because that’s when I see Michael in the halls, but that was it. These thoughts just seem like too much sometimes, and honestly, I worry even more about what people think of me even though I have you and I have Michael and everyone else I just” Jeremy paused, pressing both of his palms into his eyes.

“Just?” Christine didn’t want to push, and Jeremy had given her enough information already, but she wanted him to finish.

“I just…” Jeremy pulled on the sleeve of his cardigan, staring at his wrists, “I feel so alone. Like- like no one is there for me and no one is ever going to be there because I’m worthless and they have much better things to do with their time than to console me about my stupid problems”

“Jeremy, you are important and needed and we love you and if you ever, ever need to talk to someone talk to me. Seriously. Ever. You should never be alone”

Jeremy sniffed, smiled a wobbly smile and hugged Christine. Christine hugged Jeremy back, their breathing the only sound in the bathroom.

“You said something about Michael was bothering you too?” Christine asked after a quick moment of silence.

Jeremy stood up, sighing and folded his arms.

“Yeah, well, it’s just been getting harder to be around him”

Christine smiled supportingly and leaned her elbows on her knees. “How so?”

“Well like, I just want to tell him how I feel and give him all the love in the world and everything I have to offer, and I… I really want him to know how much he means to me”

“You should then. Even if you’re still too worried to say it in a romantic way, tell him how much you appreciate him as a friend”

Jeremy chewed on his bottom lip, obviously keeping something from Christine. She thought to ask what it was, but she figured if it really mattered he’d tell her.

“Yeah, I guess,” he said after some struggle.

“I mean, you really have to admit your feelings. Seriously. It might end in disaster, it might end great, but you can’t keep bottling them up” Christine stood and grabbed Jeremy’s hands, squeezing them tight in hopes to somehow show her passion.

“I know, I’m sorry” Jeremy flipped his hands so they were gripping hers too, and squeezed almost as hard. “I swear I’ll tell him soon” he swallowed like he wasn’t saying something he wanted to. “I promise, Mom”

That shouldn’t have felt like such a big deal, considering Christine’s friends often called her ‘Mom’ as a joke, but Jeremy never did. Christine understood why Jeremy even explained it to her once. It was hard for him just because he associated that word with awful things and experiences. The fact that Jeremy felt comfortable enough around Christine to use that term made Christine tear up.

Vaguely she wondered if she cried too much.

No, she decided, she just had a lot to cry over. She was just dealing with a lot of emotions currently.

Christine sniffled and wiped her eyes, giving Jeremy a final hug.

“Okay, well, let’s head back out there then”

They walked back out, and the conversation grew in between the three of them. They finished their food and walked outside, never stopping their talk.

“Hey” Jeremy grabbed both of their sleeves, stopping them at the edge of the sidewalk. “look, it’s the Little Dipper”

He let go of their sleeves as the three of them looked up at the sky to see the constellation Jeremy mentioned. 

Their breath was flowing out from their mouths in wisps, floating above them like clouds. The sky was crystallized, stars flecked across the placid surface, colors snaking and weaving in between. And there, in between sparkling white dots and icy sky was the Little Dipper, its stars clearly connected. 

Christine couldn't help but gasp quietly. 

It was beautiful. It was overwhelming. It was brilliant. The sky was a million things at once and yet it was still marvelous. 

“Jeremy went through a space phase in middle school and, well, he never really grew out of it” Michael explained to Christine, glancing at Jeremy fondly. “I bet you could name all those stars,” Michael said to Jeremy, nudging his arm.

Jeremy glared at Michael, despite the obvious grin on his face. “Not all of them, there’s so many we could never name them all” Wonder was coating Jeremy’s voice as he turned back up to the stars above them.

“Scary to think about, isn’t it?” Christine asked, directing her attention too to the gorgeous scenery before them.

“A little, but I think it’s more pretty than scary. As long as you don’t consider the size of the universe” Jeremy pulled a hand from his pocket and grabbed Michael’s hand, thinking that Christine didn’t notice.

“Agreed,” Christine said, gazing at Michael and Jeremy’s intertwined hands.

They stayed outside for a little bit, just staring at the stars.

Christine couldn't look away. Why hadn't she noticed this before?

All of this was so easy to see if you just thought to look. The absence of the moon gave the stars more room to shine, calling Christine's attention to them and how bright they were. There were so many you couldn't count them if you tried. 

The stars all seemed to reach for each other, some fitting evenly into constellations and others just observing nearby. The single stars seemed to try harder, they glimmered brighter, they strived more for attention. They didn't have to, they were as beautiful as the rest. 

The stars seemed frozen in place, the cold of the night air chilling them through, but never dulling their shine. 

Christine was in awe.

“Okay I’m fucking freezing let’s go,” Michael said eventually, sticking his hands into his sweatshirt pocket.

“Yeah same” Jeremy agreed, and they all walked to Michael’s car.

They blasted a strange variety of music on the way home, ranging from musicals to Fall Out Boy to Bob Marley and back again, but no one fought over what was playing. The windows were down despite it being below freezing outside, and Christine sometimes stuck her head near the opening to get a whiff of the chilly night air. It froze her lungs and cheeks, yet exhilarated her. They arrived at Christine’s house too quickly, and Christine sobered when she saw the dark house. 

No one was home.

She knew why she was dropped off first, but she didn’t bring it up. She knew they’d go back to Michael’s house and Jeremy would sleep over, and hopefully they’d share feelings and a kiss, but either way, she liked when they were together. It almost made up for the terribly strong desire to stay in the car and stay with some of her favorite people in the world. 

Christine sighed, grabbed her purse, and hopped out of the car.

“Bye Christine!” both boys shouted, Michael leaning over so she could see him.

She gave them a thumbs up and walked up the driveway. “Bye guys!” She shouted.

They drove away once she went inside.

The house creaked as she walked around, the rooms almost pitch black. As she went to turn on a light in the living room, she banged her shin against a coffee table.

“Motherforker!” She cursed, limping the rest of the way to the switch.

The little lamp lit up the living room and some of the dining room and kitchen, and Christine decided that was enough. She walked over to the couch but paused, looking around the empty house. An odd sense of crushing loneliness and sadness came over her. One tear rolled down her face and then another, and all of the sudden Christine was sobbing in the middle of her empty living room while her family was out forgetting about her.

Usually, she didn’t care, she’d just watch a movie, eat a snack and either wait for them to get home or fall asleep on the couch, whichever came first. But tonight the empty house just felt awful, and it hurt to see how she was just a second thought to her family.

She thought back to the stars, how many there were, and how she was so insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

It made Christine cry harder.

Christine managed to stop crying enough to make some popcorn, turn on Finding Dory, and text her friends. She needed to see who else was having a bad day so she could fix it and ignore her own problems and how big the house felt.

She ended up talking with Jenna until one thirty when Jenna commanded Christine get some sleep. Christine grabbed a blanket and a pillow from her room and fell asleep on the couch while Friends played on the TV.

Christine dreamt that she was watching the stars when all of the sudden they started hitting her, attacking her, cutting her. There was nothing she could do, just watch the hurricane of sharp lights surround her.

When she woke up, she cried some more and tried to think of what it meant. It was almost three in the morning. Christine tried to calm down, but ended up crying herself back to sleep.

Still, no one was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the shortness of the Trans!Michael thing, I didn't want to delve too deep into it for fear of offending trans people or of saying something inaccurately, so I kept it short. Sorry.  
> So was it okay? I hope so, it took forever and I'd hate to take two months for a crappy chapter. There's a lot of crying and feelings in this I realize... hm. I wonder why.  
> (ME? Projecting in MY story? It's more likely than you think!) (Why am I like this?)  
> So next chapter is a big plot chapter, and I'm really hoping it takes less time than this one, but with finals just around the corner for me I doubt it. Then again, winter break is after finals so I'll have two weeks to write then. I guess we'll see.  
> My Tumblr is burgundy-burgers, feel free to message me, ask me anything, or send me headcanons or comments about Christine or Be More Chill in general! If I've done something wrong, please let me know! I love reading your comments so if you do comment (whether it be on here or on tumblr) it would be greatly appreciated!  
> Sorry this took so long!


	6. Christine Loses It!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sadness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is super late and I'm really sorry about that. Finals and homework and school in general got in the way. Also, I was kind of at a loss on what to do with this chapter and how to go about writing it. I got it eventually though. It might feel kinda rushed and short and I'm sorry about that, but I tried my best.  
> This chapter gets kinda heavy and I guess that's because in a way it's sort of the climax. Like emotionally. Or well it's leading to the climax. I suppose that's next chapter. Anyway, this chapter gets really dark really fast near the end, so proceed with caution. I may have gone a little overboard because whenever I listen to sad music to write angst I get depressed and then I write harsher than I would when I'm in a better mood.  
> Well, grab some hot chocolate, some nice music, and get to reading!

Christine was happily walking to play rehearsal, her favorite place on Earth.

Her day had been crap. Some kid spilled his drink on her, she got hit in the head with a basketball in the cafeteria, she had a panic attack over a test she was taking, and Beth had yelled at her that morning.

It had been an awful and long day. She wanted nothing more than to bash some plates against a wall or scream her head off, but she couldn’t do either of those things. Going to play rehearsal was her therapy though. Her happy place. Her sanctuary.

Christine walked into rehearsal, and immediately half of an orange flew by her head. She made a shocked noise, the orange piece barely missing her. It smacked against the wall behind her, splattering juice and leaving a mark.

“Sorry, Christine! That wasn’t meant for you” Rich yelled, waving his hand around. His lisped caught on ‘sorry’, ‘wasn’t’, and ‘Christine’. “It was meant for Michael”

Michael was standing next to Christine, his hands in his pockets, looking smug. “Hiya Chris”

“Hey, Michael” Christine greeted, reaching down and picking up the orange piece. “And Rich, it’s fine, maybe work on your aim though”

“Okay, I will” Rich promised, shifting in his seat. He was sitting in a chair not far from the entrance of the auditorium.

Christine looked around and found everyone else on stage, except Jenna, who appeared to be missing.

Everyone waved and greeted Christine as she walked up to the stage, hopping up to join everyone (except Jenna, Michael, and Rich). Michael and Rich followed closely behind Christine, both climbing up onto the stage (both with some struggle).

Christine looked around, hands on her hips, silently taking in the calming feeling of play rehearsal. She sighed, then turned back to face everyone.

“Where’s Jenna?” she asked.

“She’s backstage, she’s trying to fix something with Jere’s costume” Brooke explained. She was sitting next to Chloe, her script in her lap.

“Oh okay,” Christine leaned over, trying to look backstage. “Jenna!” she called, her voice echoing throughout the auditorium.

“What?” Jenna answered, her voice not as loud.

Christine skipped backstage, looking for Jenna.

“Hey! What are you doing?”

“Hi!” Jenna greeted, popping up from a pile of clothes.

“What’re you doing?” Christine repeated, laughing lightly.

“I’m looking for the thing for Jeremy’s costume. You know, the thing. The gray one” Jenna explained, looking through the clothes.

“The belt cloth thing?”

“Yeah, that!”

“I hung it up so we wouldn’t lose it”

Jenna jumped up and ran into the costume vault, coming back with a triumphant grin and a piece of gray fabric in her hand.

“I would've remembered,” she said, walking past Christine, smiling at her, then out onto the stage.

“Sure, sure you would’ve” Christine grinned, following Jenna.

They started the play practice as soon as she walked out, running through lines and going over questions.

Christine felt all her stress slowly melt away as she surrounded herself with friends and the heaven that was play rehearsal.

* * *

 

_“Your house smells like snickerdoodles,” Christine said the first time she entered Jenna’s house._

_“Thanks, we have a candle for that”_

_J_ _enna’s house was almost the same as Christine’s, albeit a little bigger and her kitchen wasn’t right when she walked in, unlike Christine’s. There was old and antique furniture all over the house, it gave the house a calming feeling. Jenna and her family loved going antiquing, but no one would ever guess based on Jenna’s grip on modern concepts._

_Christine and Jenna went to Jenna’s kitchen, had a quick snack, got some tea, then headed upstairs to her bedroom._

_Jenna’s bedroom was a clash of decades, fancy gadgets and bright colors combine with old furniture and dated records on a shelf, the room looking like a comparative exhibit between teens from the 1950’s to now._

_Christine flopped back into a beanbag chair, careful not to spill her tea. Jenna carefully sat on her bed, the springs creaking. Christine looked around the room, taking everything in again. The room changed every time she came in._

_“So, have you heard about that kid who broke his leg?” Jenna asked, already starting her favorite conversation topic; gossip._

_“Jake?” Christine joked._

_“No no, the other kid, blond and short?”_

_“Nope hadn’t heard about him yet” Jenna grinned and started to tell her the story._

_They talked until Jenna’s mom came home, and even after._

_It was a Friday night and Christine wanted to stay the night, but she needed to go home and help clean up the house and do homework._

_“My mom ordered pizza. We got supreme and this white-sauce veggie pizza, that’s okay right?” Jenna asked, walking into her room and closing the door behind her._

_Christine looked up from her phone, where she was trying to finish a gay fanfiction. “Yeah that’s fine, thank you.”_

_“Yeah no problem” Jenna sat back on her bed, staring at Christine._

_“What?” Christine asked, shutting off her phone._

_Jenna shook her head, her loose hair swinging._

_“Nothing, I spaced out. Thinkin’ about finals and midterms” Jenna replied, pulling some her hair in front of her._

_“Oh right. I’m not super worried about midterms actually. My midterms aren’t going to be that bad thankfully. How about you?”_

_Jenna sighed, messing with her hair again. It was obvious she wasn’t really thinking about midterms. “I think they’re going to be okay, not too terrible”_

_Christine nodded, smiling softly. She decided to ask what was really going on, Jenna had been off all day._

_“Jenna?”_

_“Hmm?”_

_“What’s really wrong? Like I know you, you don’t stress that much about finals. You seem upset. Why? Be honest this time”_

_“Well, I… It’s stupid” Jenna was wringing her hands together, playing with a bracelet on her wrist._

_“Jenna, it’s not stupid. Nothing that hurts you is ever stupid”_

_Jenna sighed again and tightened her grip on her bracelet. “Well, I was getting cereal this morning, and my mom just kind of looked disgusted at me and was like ‘you’re going to eat all that?’ And I don’t know, it just really rubbed me the wrong way and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.”_

_Christine was horrified. It wasn’t a secret that Jenna had body issues, and Christine knew a lot of it came from her family._

_“Jenna… that’s horrible”_

_“Yeah well, it shouldn’t have been that big of a deal”_

_Christine got up and sat next to Jenna on the bed, and leaned her head on Jenna’s shoulder and wrapped an arm around her waist. Jenna leaned on Christine and started crying. It was quiet, but still a call for help._

_“It shouldn’t have been a big deal, but, it really hurt and I should be used to this by now and I shouldn’t have eaten so much damn cereal and this whole thing is moronic and dumb but here I am crying over it”_

_Christine pulled Jenna into a hug, squeezing her tight. Jenna cried into Christine’s shoulder, obviously trying to stop and get herself together._

_“Jenna, it’s okay. It’s okay to be upset about things and it’s okay to cry”_

_She could feel Jenna nodding, but she didn’t stop crying._

_Christine felt like crying herself. She often wished Jenna could live with her parents. Sure, sometimes they ignored their children for a little while or focused more energy on Beth, but it was better than Jenna’s parents. They didn’t understand much about her, they didn’t understand she was sensitive._

_Christine did. Christine knew when something was wrong and she knew just how to fix it. She knew what to say to make Jenna okay again. Jenna knew when to let Christine talk, and she knew when Christine was running out of steam and getting rambly, so she’d cut her off. Not in a mean way. Sometimes Christine needed people to change the subject for her because she wouldn’t. Jenna and Christine could go on for hours on a topic, they always had something to talk about. With Jenna, Christine could go on forever, Christine was on fire with her._

_Confronting these thoughts that Christine didn’t know she had was scary, but it felt kinda nice. It made her cheeks hot, her brain fuzzy, and her heart race. But she didn’t entirely hate it._

_Of course, she had to yank herself back to reality and remind herself how now was not the time for whatever gay shit that was._

_Christine hugged Jenna tighter, she could smell her hair. Cinnamon and flowers. Eventually, they broke apart, both teary._

_“C’mon, let’s watch a movie, I’ll tell you about my day” Christine offered, knowing Jenna didn’t really like talking about herself after having a bad day or moment._

_Jenna smiled softly at her, the kind where her eyes crinkled and her cheeks got pink, the beautiful kind._

_“Alright yeah, sounds good"_

* * *

 

Christine was in the zone, acting and helping and directing. Every type of positive energy seemed to be flowing from her as she basked in the greatness that was play rehearsal.

But, once play rehearsal ended, she was left with a crushing reminder of how awful she was feeling before. Play rehearsal was wrapping up, and since it was a Wednesday nobody could really do anything afterward, meaning once rehearsal was done Christine would be alone again.

The time slipped through Christine’s hands, the time she had left in paradise slowly running out. Eventually, she had to leave her heaven, a lot sooner than she wanted to, time flies when you don’t need it too.

Around five o’clock (when rehearsal ended) people started packing up their things and heading out the doors.

Chloe, Brooke, Jeremy, and Michael had already left, and Rich and Jake were getting ready to leave soon.

Christine was sweeping the stage, procrastinating going home when Rich when up to her.

“Hey Christine,” he said, skidding to a stop right next to her.

“What?” She asked, smiling down at Rich (he was barely shorter than her, but still).

“I wanted to thank you for the money you loaned me”

“Rich it wasn’t a loa-”

“I swear I’ll pay you back… Eventually” Rich promised, his lisp kicking in on ‘swear’.

Christine sighed, knowing Rich wouldn’t take no for an answer.

“Get it to me when you can Rich” she smiled, tiredly but fondly.

Rich grinned at her and nodded.

“Thanks again Christine” He yelled over his shoulder as he ran to Jake, who was waiting by the exit.

Maybe it his height, or his lisp, or how generally sweet he was, but Rich seemed like the youngest out of all them, even though technically that was Jenna. Christine was hit with a wave of affection for the small bisexual teen, realizing how glad she was that she had him in her life.

“Love that guy” Jenna voiced Christine’s thoughts as she came back from the costume vault. “No hetero” she added, and Christine laughed at their inside joke.

Christine smiled once more at where Rich had left from, twirled her broom, then continued sweeping.

* * *

 

_Rich was running up to Christine, his face was red and his eyes were watery. He was on the verge of tears._

_It was after school and Christine was walking to her mother’s car (she could easily walk home, but she didn’t want to really as it was winter and her mom was perfectly capable of picking her up)._

_The air was frigid but crisp, and you could see your breath._

_“Christine!” Rich shouted, puffs of white swirling out of his mouth and into the air._

_“Rich? What’s wrong?” Christine asked, stopping in her tracks and looking at him._

_“Chris-Cristine I need, I need” Rich was hyperventilating, and she had to cut him off and make him breathe normally again._

_“Rich, calm down, what do you need?” She put her hand on his shoulder in an attempt at comfort._

_“I need to borrow some money. I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, but I can’t afford food this month and I thought I had more saved up but I don’t and I don’t want to get some from Jake because he’s going through so much and money is hard for him too and I just… I really need some money” Rich was crying now, tears rolling down his cheeks, and Christine was slightly worried they’d freeze to his face._

_“Rich, it’s fine, it’s totally fine. Never be afraid to ask something from me, especially if you really need it. I’m not sure how much I have right now, but I’d be happy to give you some” Christine smiled at Rich, hoping to calm him down._

_Rich grinned, wrapping Christine in a big hug that took the breath out of her, but she loved it anyway._

_He was saying “thank you” into the hug over and over, obviously very grateful for Christine’s help._

_Christine laughed and pulled away from Rich, explaining she had to get the money from her bag._

_They went over and sat on a freezing cold plastic bench in order for Christine to reach into her bag easier. Rich was watching eagerly, smiling wide._

_Christine finally found her wallet and pulled out forty dollars, something she had gotten from babysitting overtime. She had gotten more than that, but her bonus was forty dollars, mainly because the family felt incredibly guilty to take longer than they had said._

_Rich gaped at the money as it was handed to him, and he clenched it in his fist and held it to his heart._

_“Don’t lose it” Christine said jokingly, zipping up her backpack._

_Rich hugged her again, sniffling. Christine hugged back, immensely happy she could help her friend._

_“I won’t, I promise. Thank you, thank you, thank you” Rich squeezed her quickly, then walked off, going home._

_Christine watched him walk away, worry eating at her happy mood. She always worried about Rich, it kept her up at night. Would he be able to eat this week? How long until his dad loses his temper and beats him again? Where would Rich go if things caved in?_

_She knew Jake worried about Rich too, and that’s partly why she helped Rich more than she needed to. Jake had enough problems of his own and he was already struggling to keep his head above water without Rich needing money or food. Christine wished she could help both of them, but she only had so much money and time and they needed more than she could give. It made her heart quiver to think that she couldn’t help her friends and she could never supply them the things they need._

_Christine’s happy bubble was officially popped and she had to wipe tears from her eyes as she walked to her mother's car._

* * *

 

“Hey Chris, I gotta head home,” Jenna said, after checking her phone.

Christine looked up from sweeping, trying not to look disappointed.

“Okay, bye!” Christine smiled as well as she could, waving to Jenna as she walked out the doors.

Then it was just Christine in an empty auditorium.

Her heart hurt. She put the broom away, her footsteps echoing throughout the auditorium and across the stage. Christine sighed, looking out over the rows of empty seats. Somehow the empty seats made tears spring to her eyes easier.

Play rehearsal was over, it was back to her sucky, terrible, day. Christine was walking home, her mother couldn’t pick her up, so she grabbed her bag and headed out the doors.

She walked down through the school parking lot and across the street and up the sidewalk. She was crying, but only a little bit. Just enough that it made her cheeks cold and her breathing a little more uneven.

As Christine was walking past a house with a dog who always barked at her, she slipped on a patch of ice and fell forward, scraping her chin on the sidewalk. Her hands and chin were scratched and bleeding, her blood staining the sidewalk. Her leggings had rips on the knees now, and her knees themselves ached along with a few of her toes and her elbows. That cracked open the dam that had been holding back her frustrations for months.

Christine Canigula sat on the sidewalk sobbing uncontrollably into her hands, her knees curled to her chest. She cried for herself, she cried for her friends, she cried for her sister. Every worry and feeling and thought of sadness was pouring out of her eyes, splattering on her shirt and on the sidewalk. She sobbed about everything she had wanted to cry about ever, she couldn’t stop the waterfall of emotion that kept running from her eyes. Her scrapes stung and she was getting cold, but she didn’t stop, she couldn’t stop. Worry and confusion and frustration swept over Christine, and she kept crying as people drove by, looking concerned.

She felt like a hurricane. A lonely and miserable hurricane.

Eventually, she stopped crying enough to walk home, but tears kept spilling down her face.

When she got home her mom asked what was wrong and she broke down again, sobbing in her mother’s arms.

Christine had a psychiatrist she used to see a lot more than she does now, but her mom decided it’d be best if they paid her another visit. Christine would miss school tomorrow, but that was okay, she didn’t really care. She needed help, she wanted help. She wanted these feelings to go away, to calm down, but they refused to.

She spent the rest of the night in her room, listening to musicals and crying. She ignored people’s texts, she wasn’t feeling up to responding to them. That made her feel guilty and so she cried more and felt even worse. It was a vicious cycle.

Beth eventually came home and Christine heard her go into her room and shut the door, obviously not in the mood to talk. Christine didn’t know why but that really hurt her. It hurt that her sister didn’t want to talk to her, it hurt to think of how close they used to be and to look at the fragments of their relationship. She felt like an awful sister and an even worse friend.

Christine Canigula sat alone in her bedroom, covered in blankets, frantically listening to musical songs to help her calm down. Her mind was racing and she could feel her every heartbeat. With every new notification her heart rate sped up and she cried a little harder, guilt for not answering invading her thoughts. Eventually, she cried herself to sleep without dinner, musicals playing as she dozed off into a dreamless sleep.

When Christine woke up she still hurt and her limbs felt heavy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew that was sad, sorry!  
> Our girl's gonna get better though, don't worry.  
> Anyway, the flashbacks were mainly to give a glimpse into some of the stress Christine deals with, and also to add some cinnabun (I'm pretty sure that's the ship name for Jenna and Christine) content. Also, I was lowkey projecting during the Jenna section so... Holidays are rough.  
> And I really wanted to write more Rich, and I love the idea of Christine and Rich being super close.  
> I really hope this wasn't too bad, and I'm really sorry for it taking so long.  
> If you feel like chatting about BMC, Stranger Things, life, or anything else, my Tumblr is burgundy-burgers. Feel free to send me your headcanons too, I love talking about my children.  
> Happy new year, by the way.  
> Okay that's it from me, see you in probably two months.


	7. Christine Has a Girl Crush!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alright well, confrontation sucks a little but at least there's good payoff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOAH THIS TOOK WAY LONGER THAN IT SHOULD HAVE I AM SO SORRY   
> So like, I don't even have an excuse. I started some new classes, but that's not really enough to keep me from writing for like two months???   
> It was mainly writer's block. I was totally at a loss for this chapter. I procrastinated writing it and instead worked on a first draft of another fanfic for another fandom. It already has like 4,000 words but I can't stop writing for it help  
> Anyway I really wasn't sure how to start or really what to do with this chapter, so I took an extra long time writing it. I still feel crappy about it, but honestly I'm worried that if I take longer with this chapter it'll only get worse.   
> Also, the original title for this chapter sucked, so because I really like the song Girl Crush by Little Big Town I decided it would work. It might seem random but trust me it's better than the original title.   
> Alright that's enough for me for now, I hope you enjoy!

Christine was staring out the window as they drove to the clinic. Pop music was playing softly on the radio, barely heard over the sound of the heaters. Christine would prefer some other music, but at this point, anything helped.

She was always a little nervous seeing her psychiatrist, no matter how many times she went. Christine didn’t know why she was nervous, she didn’t really have a reason to be. Yet her heart still always sunk a little when they made the turn into the clinic’s parking lot.

Hot air poured out of cars, the roads shimmering and splashing icy water on each car that drove by. The sky was heavy with frozen clouds, the promise of snow lingering in the frigid air. Day-old, dirty snow lined the streets and the sidewalks, oil colored and melty. Christine watched the algid landscape outside her window, appreciating the heaters going in the car.

She had a book on her lap, her phone in her coat pocket, and her head full of thoughts.

They pulled into a spot in the clinic's parking lot and stopped the car. Christine opened the door and got out, stepping in a pile of sludge. She frowned, her shoes would get dirty, and these were her nice white ones she really liked.

Christine followed her mom into the clinic, silent. The familiar smell hit her when she walked in. The odd mix of chemicals and something that smelled musty.

People were walking around, getting what they needed to done. Some people helped loved ones in crutches or in wheelchairs get around, a mother dragged her two crying young kids into the blood center, presumably to get their blood taken. A middle aged man checked into his appointment on a kiosk, and a nurse scurried across the floor and up the stairs, probably late. 

Christine and her mom walked into the waiting area for her psychiatrist (although it was also the waiting area for adult check-ups), they sat in the two chairs near the end of the low separation wall. This area was blocked off by a four-foot wall with an opening in the left corner for people to get in. They wanted it to be known that this area was separate.

Christine sat in the chair, reading her book, occasionally watching the people move around the clinic. Still, Christine was silent. Eventually, she heard her name being called and she stood up, subconsciously bringing her book with her. It was in her hands, so it came along.

Christine smiled at her mom, and her mom smiled back before she walked over to the nurse.

“Wait in here, okay sweetie?” The nurse said, leading Christine into an empty room with an examining table that was lowered down and had a paper sheet over it.

“Thanks,” Christine said and walked into the room, she hopped up on the table and swung her legs.

“Doctor Mckeon will be right with you” The nurse said, looking at something on the clipboard she was holding.

“Yeah, okay” Christine answered.

Then she was alone. Christine looked around the sterile room.

There were a few chairs parallel to the examining table and a little basket with children’s books in them. In front of the examining table were a sink and a cluster of cabinets and a counter. Across the wall opposite to the sink were another few cabinets, a counter, and a desk with a computer. There were posters and informative papers taped up on the walls and a few tiles on the ceiling had been replaced with photos of animals so when you laid down on the examining table you could look at something instead of old stained ceiling tiles.

(Which was good, Christine didn't like to look at dirty ceiling tiles because then she'd wonder why they were stained and she's always get grossed out thinking about that.)

The door opened and Christine jumped, looking at her physiatrist as she walked in.

“Christine!” the doctor greeted, smiling at her. “It’s been awhile, how are you doing?”

Christine smiled at her, shaking her hand when it was offered.

“Not super great” she replied.

“I’m sorry to hear that” Doctor Mckeon replied, sitting in the chair and typing something into the computer, and opening up a page.

Christine swung her legs back and forth, trying not to hit the table and make a noise. Her stomach was fluttering, full of anxious butterflies.

“What’s been troubling you,” the doctor asked, turning to face Christine.

She sighed. “Well, this whole thing went down at my school, and it’s got everyone kind of rattled. Long story short this kid abandoned his one friend to become popular but he was being abused by his er… new friend and then this one kid set another kid’s house on fire the kid whose house he set on fire had his parents leave him because they laundered money and yeah everyone's kinda shaken up” Christine rambled, twisting her sleeves in her hands.

The doctor nodded and listened, eyes widening at the mention of the “abusive friend” and the arson.

“Abusive friend?” she asked.

“Yeah, it’s okay now though because he moved”

Doctor Mckeon nodded, typing something into her computer.

“Is the friend whose house got burned down okay?”

“Yeah, he’s good. I’m worried about him though because he’s really lonely in his new apartment and even though his parents were jerks he really misses them. He’s doing pretty okay though” Christine explained.

“How did these events affect you?”

Christine shrugged.

“Well, I guess I worry about my friends a lot more, and I’ve been extra stressed because of that. They’ve all got a lot going on”

“Why does that make you extra stressed?”

Christine sighed, trying to find a way to word it.

“They’re my friends, and I love them. I care about them so much I would never want anything to happen to them. It hurts to see them upset and in pain y’know? They mean so much to me.” Christine explained.

“Do you worry about your friends and their issues a lot?”

“Well yeah, especially now. They all have something going on, and they need someone to talk to. I am that someone. I let them vent to me and I’m like a shoulder to cry on for them. But sometimes it gets hard, worrying about seven people all the time.”

The doctor nodded, pausing briefly to type into her computer.

“Why do you worry about them so much?” Christine shrugged.

“Well, they’re my friends, I love them, and I worry that they’ll never find a solution to their problem or be able to get through it or see how beautiful they really are. I want them to see their potential and beauty and be able to accomplish all they want in life.” Christine smiled fondly thinking of all her friends and how amazing they were.

The doctor nodded, taking a few more notes.

“Good points. While your feelings are completely valid, is there some way to reduce the stress you feel about your friends?”

Christine thought for a moment.

“I think I’ll just have to learn they can take care of themselves and try to understand that they’ll be okay if I don’t worry constantly about them” Christine offered.

She knew it was much easier said than done though.

“If you’d like, I can recommend some more great phone apps that help reduce worry and stress and can distract you from those things. How does that sound?”

Christine nodded. “That’d be great, thank you”

Christine was already on medication for her ADD, and she didn’t want to add any more to that. So her therapist tried to find other ways for Christine to destress and find productive outlets for her energy.

“Has anything else happened recently?”

Christine sighed, rubbing her arm and looking at the door. She had been wanting to bring this up to someone, but everyone had their own issues and she didn’t want to stack hers on top of that. She knew this issue would come up sooner rather than later, but she had been avoiding the thought of discussing her sexuality crisis. At least until that morning, when Christine realized she’d have to bring it up and there was no way to dance around it anymore.

“You’re not going to tell my mom this, are you?” Christine asked.

The doctor looked taken aback.

“Well if it’s extremely dangerous to your health then I will have to alert your parents,” she explained.

Christine looked down at her feet, contemplating.

She was going to talk about how she was questioning her sexuality and how she maybe wanted to date Jenna Rolan but she didn’t want her mom to find out. This made things a little more difficult. She knew the doctor probably wouldn't tell her mom, but the paranoia won out. 

“I uh, is it possible to like someone without wanting to have sex with them?” Christine asked vaguely.

The doctor thought for a moment, before nodding. “I suppose. Why?”

Christine sighed and brought her knees up to her chin. She had been anxious enough to research patient-doctor confidentiality the previous day and what she remembered was bouncing around her head at the moment.

“Well, I might like this person at my school that way, but I’m not sure”

Doctor Mckeon nodded, glancing at the computer.

“Alright well, take your time. Figure out who you are in your own time, there’s no rush.”

Christine softly nodded, taking in the words. She knew that, but she still felt all this pressure to figure it out. Part of her knew there was no rush, but the other part of her wanted to know and wanted to know now.

“But, you can never find out who you are if you keep pushing this back in your thoughts. You have to confront a problem in order to solve it.” The doctor continued.

While Christine had heard that several times, she just now took the time to think about that phrase. It held some truth after all. Christine used to dismiss the thought, saying everyone was different and she _was_ dealing with her issue, just in her own way. But she wasn’t, not really. Maybe it took the breakdown for her to realize that, but all that she was doing was stressing herself out, even more, when the thoughts came crawling back to her. She was partially worried about what she’d find when she confronted these questions, she was afraid she’d change, afraid she wouldn’t like what she’d find. Somewhere in her mind was screaming she’s just a kid, she doesn’t need to know yet, but that voice has been screaming that for years now. Eighteen was just around the corner, she wasn’t really a kid anymore, no matter how much she wanted to ignore that.

Another reason for kicking her sexuality in the back of her mind is because she felt that knowing your sexuality and who you liked was a strictly adult thing, and realizing it would be losing another piece of her childhood. Christine realized that she hadn’t been allowed to eat off the kid’s menu for a long time now, so she really shouldn’t worry about losing childlike qualities that no longer belong to her.

Maybe it was just that she couldn’t look at the looming monster of adulthood in front of her.

Maybe she could now.

“Thanks,” Christine said to the doctor, smiling at her.

Doctor Mckeon nodded, smiling at Christine. “Take your time, life isn’t a race. You are you and that's okay. Live your life how you want to and never let anyone else affect that.”

Christine nodded, still a little nervous and confused.

She still had a lot to work out, but she was getting better. She wasn’t there yet, but she was well on her way. Christine felt her normal optimistic feelings warming up again, even though she was still sore from the previous day and all the questions and stress and worries. She’d get there. Christine’s mind landed on Earth again, and Christine liked to imagine herself floating on a red balloon down the soft ground.

“Thank you,” Christine said again, smiling sincerely at her therapist.

Doctor Mckeon nodded, smiling back. “No problem, I’m glad I could help.”

Yes, Christine was definitely getting there.

* * *

 

When Christine got home she looked through her missed calls, responding to everyone saying yes she was fine and no she’s not dead. Laying on her bed, she called all her friends and talked to them, asking about their days and telling them about hers. Her longest conversation was with Jenna, who had a very eventful physics class. Christine let herself turn to mush whenever she made Jenna laugh, and didn’t bother questioning herself when her stomach jumped during their conversation. Christine let herself sit for a little while after she talked to Jenna, just thinking about her and how amazing she is, heart fluttering around in her chest and her cheeks hot. 

Then, Christine saved her Snapchat streaks, watched some funny animal videos, and of course listened to musicals. She was in a good mood, so Heathers seemed like a good choice. Although dark, the songs were all remarkably easy for her to dance to. And she did. She hopped on her bed and danced around her room, singing along with the lyrics.

Christine wondered if this was what a mental health day was.

When she was finished dancing and singing her heart out, she watched Netflix. She watched animated movies because they made her happy. She ate ice cream and even though she spilled a little on her shirt, she didn’t mind.

After two movies, Christine decided she should think about her issues, finally. She put on her pondering music (Dear Evan Hansen) and layed down in her bed. Christine grabbed a squishy bear to fidget with while she thought.

So, she didn’t like boys. That was out.

Dating Jake was nice and all, but she loved Jake as a friend and nothing more really. She never wanted to kiss him, she only thought she did. Same with Jeremy. She never wanted to kiss boys, only hug them and be their best friend.

But with girls, she thought about holding their hand and kissing them and playing with their hair and falling asleep with them as close to her as possible. But then there was the issue of sex. She didn’t like it. It just didn’t seem necessary or fun to her. It felt archaic and less like something fun and more like grossly sticking something inside of yourself. Just the thought made her shudder. She didn’t want to have sex, with anyone. Even a girl who she loved more than life Christine wouldn’t want to have sex with her. It just felt wrong. But she still liked girls and wanted to kiss them.

Christine groaned, because sex was always expected in romantic relationships unless you were in middle school.

Christine liked labels, she liked knowing exactly what she was and she loved being able to relate to people with the same label. She was a theatre nerd, she was kind of a dork, she was an animal person, and she was an honors student. So Christine grabbed her phone and looked up a few labels. She knew she was a lesbian to at least some capacity, so that ruled out a few.

And, Christine knew she liked Jenna. A lot. That was something she knew for certain. Christine definitely wasn't ready to worry if Jenna liked her back or not, and she wasn't even sure if it mattered. If Jenna didn't, then Christine would get over it. If she did like Christine back, then... Christine would get to that when (if) it happened. 

Christine kept digging, looking through label upon label upon label. None of them fit quite right. Then, Christine found the definition of asexual. As it turns out, you could date someone and love them with all your heart without having sex with them.

A wave of relief that washed over Christine when she found that other people felt just like her. Weights lifted off her shoulders and chest, and a dark cloud lifted off her mind. She wasn’t alone, she wasn’t broken. Christine’s lip wobbled and her throat tightened at the realization.

_Would you look at that, you were worried about nothing._

Still, a part of her felt guilty for figuring all this out so soon. Months and months of turmoil and worrying and anxiety suddenly solved in an hour? It seemed too easy. Christine researched more and learned more and finally after an inspirational replay of Disappear, Christine made her decision.

Maybe it wasn’t so bad not to have all the answers. Everyone else in her friend group already knew themselves pretty well, they didn’t need Christine to help them figure it out. So, why couldn’t Christine figure herself out in her own time? She decided she’d try asexual as her label, and if it didn’t fit then she’d change it. And she told herself over and over there wasn’t any shame in changing labels.

Christine was still Christine, and that would never change no matter if her labels did.

* * *

 

_‘Hey’_

_Christine stared at the text, then at the time, then at the text again. It was three fifty-two on a Saturday. No one should be up right now. Especially Chloe of all people._

_‘_ _Hey? Why are you up????’ Christine sent._

_‘I was doing something’_

_‘What?’_

_There was a long pause, and Christine was ready to disregard this whole situation as Chloe being sleep deprived and or drunk so she randomly texted someone. Christine was going to go back to sleep and ask Chloe about it when she woke up when another text came._

_‘Crying’_

_‘Why?’_

_‘Because I’m a terrible person’_

_Christine sat up, this conversation now catching her interest._

_‘Chlo, no you’re not’_

_‘Yes, I am’_

_The typing icon popped up and soon after another message followed._

_‘I basically raped Jeremy and I was an ass to my best friend and I was a bitch to you and I was just generally a huge dick to everyone’_

_The lack of punctuation wasn’t uncommon for Chloe, but she usually didn’t type out such long sentences._

_'Okay, first of all, if you’re comfortable with telling me, how/when did you almost rape Jeremy???’_

_‘At the Halloween party. I told him Brooke wanted to see him in Jake’s room and then I was there and yeah’_

_Christine took a second to search through her conversations with Jeremy to see if he had said anything about it. She didn’t remember him mentioning it, but that didn’t mean it didn’t happen._

_‘Jeez Chlo’ Christine didn’t think it would help, but it was all she could think to say._

_‘I know and that also was cheating with my best friend’s boyfriend’_

_‘Okay, well, we can’t really undo what happened, but you can apologize to Jeremy and Brooke. In person would be best’_

_‘What if they don’t forgive me? Why should they?’_

_‘Brooke is your best friend, Jeremy isn’t as close to you but everyone was out of line on Halloween. I’m not saying that what you did is okay because we both know it’s not, but I think Jeremy will understand and if not he’ll be able to forgive you.’_

_There was a pause, the little dots in the corner showing Chloe was typing something, then deleting it, then typing again._

_‘I’m sorry for being a bitch to you Christine’_

_Christine smiled. She really hadn’t held it against Chloe for being a little mean to her before they got to know each other, but it was really what Christine expected from the most popular girl in school. Still, it was nice to hear an apology._

_‘You’re forgiven, Chloe :)’ Christine started typing again and sent another text to Chloe. ‘How long have you been up?’_

_‘Since 2’_

_Christine sighed, wondering what Chloe did during the almost two hours she was alone with her and her thoughts._

_‘Why didn’t you message me sooner?’_

_‘I didn’t want to wake you up and I thought watching cat/makeup videos would help and then I wouldn’t have to talk to you. It didn’t work’_

_‘Oh okay’_

_There was a silence, where neither of them was typing. Christine wasn’t really sure what to say. Luckily, Chloe broke the silence._

_‘Shit and Jenna I’ve been so awful to her too’_

_‘So apologize’_

_‘But it hasn’t just been a little bit I’m always a dick to her and I feel really bad about that’_

_Christine felt repetitive telling Chloe to just go apologize, but really that’s all she had to do. Communication is key._

_‘Still, apologize, but in a more sincere way maybe’_

_There was another long pause, and Christine watched the dots bouncing in the corner as Chloe typed._

_‘I’m going to apologize to everyone eventually. I think they all deserve some kind of apology from me’_

_‘That’s a good idea, you should do that :)’_

_Christine sent back. Christine had already said all her apologies, she too apologized to everyone, it made her feel like she had more closure._

_‘Thank you Christine. I’m sorry again for being awful to you before’_

_‘It’s okay, and you’re welcome’ Christine answered._

_‘I should get some sleep. Gnight and thank you, Christine, I’ll apologize to everyone’_

_It was now four-fifteen in the morning and Christine debated saying something about how it was the early morning but decided against it._

_‘Good night Chloe’_

_Christine rolled over and tried to go back to sleep, but her mind kept drifting to Chloe. She was proud of her. Chloe was showing remorse for her actions and she wanted to fix it, and that made Christine happy. So Christine decided to get up early and watch some bootlegs on her computer. Chloe could be mean, and bitter, and she hardly cared about people’s feelings, but she’s improving and trying actively to be better, and that’s what matters._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, I hope that was okay.   
> I decided to add a Chloe forgiveness arc because honestly I've been feeling increasingly guilty about not having one.   
> (I'm writing another separate fic for Chloe redemption, I'll start it after Mom Friend. Whoop!)   
> So I haven't been to a psychiatrist person since uhhh May 2017? And it was kind of unconventional, so sorry if the therapist visit was inaccurate.   
> We still got one more chapter, and it's going to be extra long because a lot has to be resolved still. So with my slow writing pattern and with the projected length of the chapter, it'll probably take forever. Sorry in advance about that.   
> My tumblr is burgundy-burgers, come stop by if you'd like to talk to me about something, whether it be BMC, this fic, any of my fics, or something else. Kudos and comments clear my skin and make me cry, thank you.   
> Okay, that's it from me, bye!

**Author's Note:**

> Heyyy, how was it?  
> Hopefully not too bad.  
> So I gave Christine a sister because I feel like we often act like the members of the Squip Squad are only children, when really that is super unlikely. Jeremy is an only child, but it’s likely that everyone else (excluding Rich and maybe Michael who have older brothers) has a sibling. I made her sister really pessimistic and sarcastic just generally a lil shit is because it further emphasizes how different Christine is for being positive and happy and just who she is.  
> I made her neighbors with Jenna because I feel like we often pair Christine with her for no rhyme or reason, so I tried to add a little depth and reasoning to their relationship.  
> (Also I head cannon as asexual, not aromantic, and she likes girls. Because reasons)  
> My tumblr is burgundy-burgers, feel free to message me! Tell me if I did anything wrong or inaccurate, or if there’s anything I should improve or change. Or hey just hit me up if you want to talk!  
> Bonus: Send me your head cannons for Christine (if you want), I’d like to read them! And who knows maybe I’ll include them in this story!


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